


Dreaming With Eyes Wide Open

by Dmsilvis



Series: Djinn Series [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad coping mechanisms, Canon Divergent, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Dream World, Drug Addiction, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of Racism, Mentions of homophobia, background case stories, djinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 21:30:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19838875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dmsilvis/pseuds/Dmsilvis
Summary: General Summary:  Cas disappeared and Sam & Dean found him hooked up to a djinn rig. Cas wouldn’t talk about the experience at all. Cas is acting weird, sleeping all the time, and cranky when he’s awake, drinking that makes the Winchesters look like amateurs, and he’s acting like he doesn’t want to be where he is. When Dean and Sam find out that he’s become addicted to a form of Djinn toxin, can they convince him that this real life here is worth sticking around for before he allows his real self to waste away in favor of his Djinn world?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first multi chapter fic! What a ride this one has been!
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful artist [ bihuntersandgayangels ](https://bihuntersandgayangels.tumblr.com/) please visit them and admire their other works :)
> 
> I have to thank my beta [Mansikka ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka) for making this pretty and making it make sense, and cheering me on. Love year my dear!
> 
> Also a HUGE HUG to [ Navajolovesdestiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NavajoLovesDestiel) for giving me input, asking the right questions and being the best cheerleader for me and stomping out all the doubt that my brain wanted to throw my way during this.
> 
> I’m thinking it diverges after season 13x06 where Cas comes back from the Empty.  
> Mary, Jack and AU Bobby are in this world. Michael and Lucifer are trapped in the AU, So Michael possessing Dean never happened. The rescued AU hunters are in this world but doing their own thing. Jack still has his powers is learning to control them.
> 
> You might notice that this is part of a series, because there's a smutty timestamp to come :) written by [ Navajolovesdestiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NavajoLovesDestiel) so subscribe for that if you don't want to miss it :)
> 
> As always, I write for fun, not a career, so be kind :)

To say that Dean was concerned about Cas was an understatement. He was worried, so worried it kept him awake. It was a Friday night and Dean was tossing and turning worrying about Cas and trying to piece together his weird behavior. Cas had been “off” since coming back from the Empty, but he’d been even more so since returning from this last case in February.

It had been almost a month since Sam, Jack, and Dean pulled Cas off of a djinn setup. He had been missing for almost a week. The trail led them to a surprisingly nice bed and breakfast, where several of the guests there were hooked up to djinn rigs. It turned out to be djinns working with ghouls; once the person was gone and the djinn had their fill, they passed the bodies to the ghouls in the area. However, after years of this working like clockwork, the ghouls were getting sloppy and drew attention. Cas just happened to rent a room at the djinn B&B while investigating what he thought was just a ghoul case.

Since they’d got him back to the bunker, Cas had barely left his room. He was exhausted even though his grace should’ve healed him, but he wasn’t healing himself. He looked like he was wasting away when he shouldn’t be. He was an angel and he didn't need to eat, but he had undoubtedly lost weight. He wasn’t showering. He wouldn’t talk about any of it. Dean understood the depression that could set in after living in your ideal djinn world and coming back to reality. He tried to help Cas by doing more things with him to keep his mind off it. Cas would join Dean for TV in the cave and that was as far as it went, with no talking about the djinn case. He would read silently, research cases, but no talking about that case, no talking about how he was feeling, acting or what he was thinking. Any hint at the subject led to an instant reboot to stoic Cas, and he would get up and go to his room without hesitation.

Jack got so insistent with wanting to know about Castiel’s experience, out of sheer curiosity, that Cas lost his temper, and lashed out at Jack. The nicest thing that came out of his mouth was telling Jack that if he couldn’t respect boundaries, then he needed to be elsewhere. Dean and Sam reassured Jack that Cas wasn’t speaking the truth, but still, maybe Jack would like to visit Jody and meet Claire and the other girls. Jack liked that idea and off he went. He had been checking in daily with Sam, and was truly enjoying his time at Jody’s. He was extremely excited to spend time next month with Mary and Donna at Donna’s cabin.

Given all of this out of character behavior for Cas, it was a surprise when Dean walked into the library on a Saturday morning in early April, to find Cas dressed in his suit and trench coat. It seemed larger on him than usual, but Dean’s attention moved quickly to the drinks Cas was packing into the cooler. Sam was making a list beside him.

“Hey, what’s up you guys, going out for the day?” Dean pulled out a chair to sit down.

Sam glanced at him like he grew a second head. “Dean, I told you about this last night, the occult market that Max Banes told us about. The one that moves around.” Sam searched Dean’s eyes for some sort of recognition.

Dean vaguely remembered Sam droning on and on about it, but Dean had been busy watching Cas, who was busy ignoring them both and watching Scooby Doo reruns.

“Oh, yeah, I remember something about it, so you’re both heading to that then? Give me 10 minutes and I’ll join ya.” Sam nodded and Dean went to his room quickly to get dressed. He was pulling a t-shirt over his head when he turned and walked straight into Cas. 

“Fucking Christ Cas! Give me a heart attack.” Cas only stared back with no answer. Dean would swear he was looking at Castiel Angel of the Lord, dick with Wings again, not Cas, his best friend.

“Apologies Dean,” and to his credit, he did look sorry then. “I was wondering if I may borrow a t-shirt, Sam suggested I dress more comfortable, more uh…” he was lost for words, and looked down at his outfit, perplexed. “He said it would put some of the vendors at ease if I didn’t appear so business-like.” 

Dean gave a nod. “Sure man, help yourself.” Dean threw on his flannel, and hopped into his boots. “Makes sense, this market moves around to stay off the radar of people who could ruin them, they only give the info to trusted clients.” When he finished lacing up his boots he turned around to find Cas naked except for his boxers, and rummaging through Dean’s dresser. It felt like someone sucker punched him, for one he hadn’t seen that before but more importantly, Cas was so thin, his ribs were evident. He knew there was normally a powerhouse under that trenchcoat, but this... he had no clue how to bring the subject up. Cas’ boxers hung on bony hips and Dean wasn’t sure exactly how they were staying up on their own. “Uh, Cas--” Cas turned large lost looking blue eyes on Dean, “my sweatpants are in the bottom drawer, unless you want jeans,” but Dean wasn’t sure jeans would stay up on him now either.

“Thank you, Dean, sweatpants are fine.” A few minutes later they were dressed and ready, Cas was in sweatpants, an old band tee, and a well worn soft Stanford sweatshirt that had been Sam’s at one point, but he gave it to Dean and now Cas wore it. Sam had his list of needed supplies for the bunker and rare items to search for, their cooler of drinks, and his laptop already in the Impala when Dean and Cas showed up in the garage. It was a two-hour drive to their destination.

One hour in, Cas stated that he was hungry, and Dean would be damned if he was going to pass up the chance to feed the angel if he actually wanted to eat. Sure as an angel, he didn’t NEED to eat but he WANTED to eat and eat he did. What the diner called the Tremendous Twelve—3 Pancakes, 3 eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, 3 pieces of sausage, and toast—Cas ordered two of those, and ate while Dean and Sam looked on in shocked silence.

Cas talked the rest of the drive about the supply list, what ingredients were for what and what else those same ingredients could be useful for. For one hour, he was himself again.

***************

They reached the large warehouse where it was said that the traveling market was working out of that weekend. They gave a man guarding the door a coin that Max had given them; it was a password of sorts. The man specified that the market tolerated no violence against anyone, creature or human, breaking that rule was death, no exceptions. Once they agreed (in blood) they were given a second medallion and given permission to enter. Once inside it was empty but for a door that was warded that appeared to lead to a storage room. Sam pressed the medallion against the ward and the door opened but what they walked into was the same warehouse they just left only it was filled to the hilt with tables and people, and creatures.

Sam just looked on in awe, Cas wore a satisfied smile and his eyes darted quickly from table to table as if he had his own mental shopping list. Dean was amazed in how all his years of hunting they never came across a market like this before.

Sam gave them each a list and they were each going to take one third of the warehouse to look around.

“Wait, we’re splitting up?” Dean spat out, “that never ends well, Sam!”

Sam gave Dean an exhausted bitchface while Cas rolled his eyes. “Dean, no violence tolerated, remember? And we only have a few hours before this place magically kicks us out, packs up and moves on.”

Dean saw Cas’ eyes glow that otherworldly blue as they did when he was conjuring his mojo. “Sam is correct, Dean. I sense no ill will here, other than that of the peddlers trying to scam an extra dollar or two on a price.”

Dean heaved a sigh. “Fine--fine, but I want texts every 10 minutes.”

Sam and Cas looked fed up but agreed and they each took their lists, Cas to the left, Sam down the middle and Dean to the right.

Almost 3 hours later and Dean’s list was finished, and just like good little soldiers, Cas and Sam had checked in with progress reports regularly. 

Until now. 

Dean stood at the exit waiting and he could see his moose of a brother working his way back to him, stopping at every single table.

No Cas however. Dean scanned the area Cas was supposed to be shopping in. No Cas as far as he could see, but the warehouse was huge, Cas could be behind a shelf or something, right?

Something twisted in Dean’s gut. Sam was almost back to him then they could look for Cas together. He told himself that no violence was tolerated and Cas was fine. Still, he shot Cas a text.

**Dean**

**3:22 pm**

**__** _Hey Cas, I’m all done with my list, how‘s your progress_

Sam was back, arms laden with bags and even a box of something. Looking pleased only the way his nerd of a brother could look pleased in this environment. So much to learn about and learn from.

Dean didn’t have the restraint to play nice. “You seen Cas?”

Sam’s smile turned down a bit. “Uh, no, but he had his own list of stuff to get so he may be in one of the other areas?”

They both craned their necks and looked all around but no mess of dark brown hair greeted them.

**Dean**

**3:28 pm**

_Answer me, Cas, or I’m sending out a search party! Winchester style,_

_You remember Purgatory right?_

In his head he prayed, _Castiel answer me, where are you, man?_

As if on cue. “I’m here Dean, stop overreacting.” Dean turned quickly and there Cas was, safe and looking oddly, healthy. Dean was confused, how did he go from looking mostly starved to looking like his normal self in borrowed clothes, in a couple of hours? 

“Uhm. okay well if we have everything, we should go.” Dean hurried to the exit leaving a bewildered Sam behind him, and a silent Castiel. As they left the gentleman at the door gave them each a medallion, magically etched on it was the location and date of the next market.

When they stopped for dinner and Cas didn’t eat, Sam questioned it. “You look good Cas, a day out did you good.”

Cas smiled that tiny grin and looked down at his hands.“Yes, well, a rather forward young witch pointed out that I looked like “roadkill” and did I need a rejuvenating elixir.” Sam’s eyes went wide. “I simply told her no, and then I healed my body right in front of her.” Dean choked on his coffee. “Her reaction was similar to yours, Dean.”

Cas looked Dean in the eyes. "I know I’ve been in a slump, and that I haven’t been taking care of myself. I apologize if I worried you, but after today things are looking promising.”

Sam moved to say something but Dean nudged him in ribs and shook his head no. Cas was in a good place at the moment and they weren’t going to ruin it.


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next week, Cas was like a changed man, more like himself again. He was content, helping with case research and joining Sam and Dean in activities at the bunker. It made Dean’s heart swell when he overheard Cas on the phone with Jack, catching up and being so gentle with Jack when he apologized for lashing out. He promised that it wouldn’t happen again.

It bothered Dean that Cas was sleeping, but Cas seemed happy and insisted that it was more of a meditation than sleep, and that it helped him stay “on even keel” so Dean didn’t push the issue.

The next week Castiel started emerging from his bedroom long after breakfast, and on the third day, Dean quietly popped his head into Castiel’s room to check on him. He was asleep, snoring in fact, there was no “meditative state,” he was out cold. Cas looked so peaceful, though, that Dean didn’t disturb him. The rest of that second week continued that way, Cas went to his bedroom early and woke up late.

The third week after the market Dean began to ask Cas to stay up with him and watch “just one more episode” before going to bed so early. Cas agreed but he would fidgeting constantly and seemed unnerved. He was impatient, and seemed to want to bolt out of the room at the end of the episode. When Dean would convince him to stay for yet another one, he would, but the agitation was noticeable. Finally, three episodes into “just one more episode,” Cas excused himself and left. Three episodes was a miracle, he normally wouldn’t last more than two. He was even later to wake up every day that week.

When he was awake he was grouchy, not taking care of his vessel again, and not wanting to do much of anything. He would stay in his room, insisting that he was reading but when Dean silently checked on him he was always asleep.

It was almost a month since the market trip and Dean had never been so thankful for his mom’s relationship with Jack, for that was the reason why Jack wasn’t there to see Castiel’s latest blow up. All Dean had said was “Jack says you haven’t returned his calls” over lunch, and Cas blew up about people minding their own business and maybe he just needs some peace and quiet! To which Dean had yelled back, “peace and quiet? Cas you slept most of the day and night the past week, how much more alone time do you need?” 

Sam interrupted, “Cas, Dean is right, we’re worried about your behavior, man.”

Castiel whirled on Sam. “Sam! You stay out of this, you of all people have nothing to say on this matter!” 

Sam was silent in confusion “Cas--what? What do you mean? Cas we don’t even know what is the matter?” 

Cas looked startled, like he realized he had said too much. He patted his coat and pants, Dean assumed he was checking for his wallet. “I need to not be here right now.” Cas pulled his keys from his coat pocket and hurried toward the garage.

“Cas!” Dean called, but Sam put out a hand to stop him from going after him. “Sam, why the hell did you stop me?”

Sam was shocked. “Nothing we say right now will get through, Dean.”

Dean collapsed into a seat at the library table. “I know, Sammy. I’m not sure what’s wrong and he ain’t sayin’.”

Sam sat down across from Dean with his best _I’m here for you_ face and it made Dean roll his eyes.

“C’mon, Sam, don’t give ME that look, I’m not the one goin’ through something! Cas is. I just--” he ran his hand down his face. “Argh! I just wish he would talk about it.”

Sam smirked. “Says the king of emotional constipation.”

Dean put his hands out to the sides. “What the fuck, Sammy, whose side are you on?”

“Our side, Dean, all of ours, we work better as a family, as a team and right now, he needs us, we just have to figure out what's up.” At Dean’s silence, Sam pressed on. “Maybe if you talk to him about stuff you’ve pushed down, it will help him open up to you.”

Dean sighed. “Like what, what have I pushed down?”

Sam snorted. “Really, Dean? How about everything?” Sam stood. “Have you ever told him how you were when we thought he was dead? Before Jack brought him back?”

Dean refused to lower his gaze from his brother's but gave a blink and you miss it, shake of the head.

“Dean you were suicidal, you needed him more than you care to admit, and he needs to know that.” Sam picked up his phone and walked away.

***************

It was after 3am, and Dean had fallen asleep at the library table. When the door to the bunker clanged open loudly, Dean raised his head quickly, and heard Cas’ deep voice shush the door. He also apologized to the banister when he ran into it. Dean would think Cas being drunk off his ass was funny if he didn’t know about all of his other behavior lately. Not to mention how much alcohol it took to affect the angel. He stood as Cas missed the last two steps and almost landed on his face on the floor. He caught himself but dropped the bag he was holding and Dean heard glass break and watched a clear liquid and an amber liquid begin to run out of the bag.

Cas gave a long suffering sigh and mumbled, “this is why we can’t have nice things,” then chuckled to himself as he sat down on the floor. He only noticed Dean was there when Dean sat down beside him and helped to pick up the broken glass.

“You have a good night Cas?” Dean looked at the labels of the broken bottles, rum, Jack Daniels and vodka, several bottles of each. “How much alcohol did you buy Cas?”

Cas’ head wobbled as he recounted story after story of the liquor stores (plural) he visited before hitting bar after bar, before someone cut him off.

“You drove like this Cas?” Cas didn’t answer.

“That’s a dumbass move, Cas, you could’ve killed someone!” Dean was angry, there was no hiding that.

Cas tried to stand. “Oh, don’t lecture me on responsible alcohol consumption, Dean Winchester! That’s a black kettle right there!” Cas fell back on his ass again. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet with much difficulty. “That last stolen credit card is maxed.” Castiel chuckled and stared at Dean and gave an exaggerated nod. “Seamus McCullough is an alcoholic according to his credit card statement.” He swayed as he tried to get the maxed credit card out of his wallet and threw it on the floor in the pool of alcohol.

Dean shut his eyes and tried not to laugh. “The pot calling the kettle black, Cas, that’s the phrase,” although Dean cringed at the thought of how much money Cas blew on liquor in one night and what that money could’ve been used for instead. He looked over to see Cas squinting at a different card. 

Cas mumbled, “but I stillll have Michael Dever to get me through.” His words were slurred but surprisingly clear. Dean reached over and took Cas’ wallet. “Cas those cards are for hunts only.” 

Dean saw Cas’ eyes burn blue and he actually leaned back preparing to be punched at the very least. If Cas was in control of his mental faculties Dean would be smited right now. 

No, he wouldn’t, Cas sober would never hurt Dean willingly. 

A low ringing began in Dean’s ears. “I don’t fucking care Dean!” Cas yelled at the top of his lungs and Dean felt that low ringing become a high pitched ring in his ears that typically came with an Angel going nuclear. The bulbs in the library table lamps exploded and the map table light went out. They were in darkness with only the lights from the hallways casting a glow to help see. The blazing blue eyes dimmed and Cas slumped to the side. “I care about sleep.” 

He leaned against Dean’s shoulder like he didn’t just almost smite him, like they were best friends, and yeah they were, but still. “Dean I need to sleep.” He was whining now, and there were tears streaming down his face. “I need…” he pawed at Dean’s shirt to pull him close, and nuzzled into his neck, breathing deep; if they were laying in bed this would definitely be cuddling. “I need to sleep, I need our world, our…” Cas was passing out on him, there was no doubting that, and he still had a death grip on Deans shirt collar. A soft snore escaped him.

Dean shook him gently. “Hey bud, we can’t sleep on the floor, let’s get you to bed and then I’ll clean this all up.”

There was another pair of feet beside Dean. He didn’t know when or how Sam managed to sneak in beside them but he helped heave Cas to his feet and together they got the now unconscious Angel to his room and into bed.

Sam looked at Cas asleep and pulled up a chair beside his bed. “Sit, Dean, stay with him and I’ll clean up the mess.”

Dean took his post in the chair and fell to sleep rather quickly. Cas tossed and turned all night and Dean woke every time Cas mumbled. It was all incomprehensible stuff, most of it in Enochian, or other languages. It all sounded unpleasant, but none of it made sense to Dean. 

After two hours of tossing and turning and muttering, Dean got up and laid down beside Cas. Putting his arms around him, it was like an instant salve. Cas’ entire body relaxed and he slept. Cas muttered a few words in Enochian that Dean was pretty sure meant “my love” or “beloved.” It gave Dean an entirely new idea to ponder. He drifted off to sleep as Cas’ body continued to melt into him and his breathing evened out.


	3. Chapter 3

A haze slowly lifted, and Dean first registered the smell of Cas. Cas and alcohol. The previous night came rushing back to his memory and his eyes shot open. He was staring at an empty bed, when he was sure Cas was in his arms when he fell asleep. He hadn’t expected him to actually be awake from that bender at any reasonable hour. He checked his watch, almost 10 AM. Actually, Dean hadn't expected to feel as rested as he did given the late hour he went to bed, but something about sleeping next to Cas allowed him to pass out easier than alcohol ever did. Speaking of Cas, where was he? Dean gathered himself and left Cas’ room in search of the Wayward Angel.

He found Sam in the kitchen poring over his laptop searching for a case.

“Sammy, you seen Cas?”

“Yeah, he grabbed some paper and said he was going to check the inventory in the infirmary and storage rooms, said there’s a market today.” Sam looked up concerned. “Did you talk last night about anything?”

Dean poured coffee, two mugs. “No, he was too drunk, I’m surprised he’s awake at all.”

Dean began walking toward the door with both mugs of coffee, when Sam interrupted him.

“I heard part of what he said last night Dean, he said he needed “our world,” he was talking to you, “your world.” Do think it’s related to the djinn dream he won’t talk about?”

Dean turned back toward the door. “That’s an idea, if I can find him, maybe I’ll bring it up, gotta gauge his mood first.” Dean left without another word.

Slowly walking the bunker halls, sipping his coffee and trying not to spill Cas’, Dean eventually heard shuffling and clatters and decided to follow the sound. He found Cas in a random room at the end of a hall. Shifting dust-covered boxes around with a pencil between his teeth and crumpled paper in hand.

“Hey Cas, I woke up alone, that kind of insults a guy.” Dean meant it as a joke but the look of horror on Cas’ face made his laugh die before it began.

Cas dropped the box he was holding. He took a well chewed on pencil out of his teeth and his hands were shaking. “Dean, I--I’m sorry about last night, I should’ve handled things better--”

Dean found his feet and moved quickly to set their coffee down, and he gathered Castiel’s hands in his to stop the shaking. “Cas, man, what’s wrong?” he chuckled nervously as Cas stared at their joined hands in awe. “You’re not in trouble man, other than maxing out a credit card, I’m not upset, Sam’s not upset, but we are worried--” Cas pulled his hands away and knelt down to begin putting items back in the box.

“There’s a market today and I’ve made a list of supplies, we need to leave quickly if we’re going to make it and--” he stood up not meeting Dean’s eye. “I found my wallet but my credit cards are gone.”

Dean cleared his throat. “Yeah, I took the one you had left after your spending spree last night.”

Cas stiffened. “That’s uncalled for.”

Dean handed Cas his coffee mug. “Drink this and then we’ll head to the market.”

“I need my card, Dean.” Cas raised his voice as he slammed his mug down sloshing coffee out of the top. “I don’t need any damn coffee.” He stepped past Dean and out the door.

Arriving at the market almost 5 hours later, they agreed to split up once inside given that they had less than two hours to do their shopping before the market disappeared. They each took a portion of Cas’ list and Sam gave Cas a card to use on the condition that it was returned to Sam at the end of their excursion. Cas took it rolling his eyes and mumbled about being treated like a child as they went their separate ways.

Precisely one hour and forty-seven minutes later they were leaving with their supplies and a medallion for the next market. Cas willingly gave Sam back his credit card and the drive home was peaceful. Once home Cas unpacked supplies and disappeared to his room.

The next week was wonderful. Cas was happy and helping with case researching. Still, he slept most of his day away waking just after lunch, and going to bed as soon as he could escape after dinner. It bothered Dean. 

One evening in mid May, Dean was watching Cas laugh at a movie, and it dawned on Dean that they had a conversation to finish. He paused the movie. Cas froze, his entire demeanor shifted.

“Cas I have a question for you.” Cas fidgeted with his shirt hem, he nodded for Dean to go ahead. “Will you tell me why you’ve been sleeping so much?” Cas was back to looking scared. “And don’t say it’s meditation, because every time I’ve checked on you, you’re out cold, bud. I’ve tried shaking you awake and nuthin'.’’ Cas’ eyes grew wide. “What? You don’t think we care enough to check on the Angel who never sleeps, who’s spendin’ all his time sleeping lately?”

Cas looked as though he was gathering his thoughts. “I believe I’m experiencing what humans call depression of sorts.”

Dean nodded. “Well, we’ve known something was up with you, but you gotta talk to us man, we can’t help if we don’t know.” They sat in silence for a few minutes. “Anything else you want to tell me? Like, what did you mean that drunken night when you said you needed “our world”?”

Cas stood up like his chair was fire. “Nothing, just drunken rambling.”

Dean stood up to block Cas. “‘cuz you haven’t been the same since that djinn case, Cas. I’ve been there before, coming back from that is difficult. Your mood swings lately are kind of giving us all whiplash.”

Cas forced his way past Dean and all but ran from the Dean Cave. Dean stood there in shock. He most certainly had hit a nerve. He ran his hand down his face and jumped when Sam’s voice interrupted his thoughts. Sam was standing awkwardly in the doorway holding his laptop.

“So, I found a case, looks like it could be a long one. Uhm, I tried to tell Cas, but he just ignored me and kept walking.”

Dean sighed. “Yeah… I tried to talk about it all again and--” he waved his hand at the door like that explained it all.

Sam nodded. “Well, this case is going to take some preparation, we won’t be able to leave till morning. I’ll grab Cas and fill you both in. Meet you in the library in 10 minutes.”

***************

Dean sat at the library table listening to Sam but his eyes never left Cas. Cas’ eyes never left the carved initials in the library table. D.W. and S.W. He grew more and more tense, his breath was even becoming shorter. Dean realized his own breath was matching Cas’ the longer Sam droned on about missing campers at a state park and several legends in that area that could be the cause. As Sam was giving details about what supplies they should take, Cas shot upright from his chair. 

“I am not feeling well, I believe I should sit this case out.” Cas was still staring at the initials. “Besides, Jack has not been home in a while, I think I would like to see him. He and I can look up lore for you from here.” 

Dean was about to explode when Sam cleared his throat and gave a smallest of shakes of his head. Dean followed Sam’s lead.

“Okay Cas, if you’re sure,” Sam stated in his most understanding tone. “I can call in to other hunters for information, and you can call Jack.”

Dean stood. “Yeah, whatever you gotta do man, but keep your phone on okay? If this hunt goes sideways we’ll need you.”

Cas nodded. “Yes, you’ll need me.” Cas looked at them both again and Dean swore there were tears there. “For the hunt.” He nodded again. “I’m going to go call Jack,” he said and walked away.

In the morning Jack was happily humming away in the kitchen when Sam and Dean packed up to leave. They left a kitchen stocked with groceries, and left a credit card for Jack asking that he check in daily. Cas didn’t come out of his room to see them off.


	4. Chapter 4

The hunt was difficult at best, and a complete shitshow at worst. Even with all of Sam’s knowledge and Dean’s charm, they couldn’t pin down the exact monster they were dealing with. There were many phone calls back to the bunker to have Cas or Jack look up a random spell, or more information on this urban legend or that lore.

Jack’s increasingly uneasy texts to Dean were not helping Dean focus on the case at all.

**Jack**

**11:11 pm**

_How is the hunt going, Dean?_

**Dean**

**11:12 pm**

**__** _Could be better kid, we just can’t figure this one out. Any more info on your end?_

**Jack**

**11:14 pm**

_Castiel has ruled out a Wendigo, and said maybe you should Google Cropsey or The Maine Hermit, although you’re not in Maine, so…_

**Dean**

**11:17 pm**

_Seriously? He wants us to look into old campfire stories? Is he even awake right now?_

**Dean**

**11:20pm**

_Jack?_

**Dean**

**11:26m**

_Jack????_

**Jack**

**11:32 pm**

_No, he is in meditation_

**Dean**

**11:33 pm**

_So he’s asleep? How has his mood been?_

**Jack**

**11:38 pm**

_Fine_

**Jack**

**11:39 pm**

_He just sleeps a lot_

Dean pulled up his phone and called Cas. 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas sounded groggy. 

“Hey, Cas.” Dean tried not to seem uneasy. “So what are you and the kid researching for us, any new info?” 

“Uhm, no I gave Jack what I could find,” Castiel sighed. “He didn’t tell you?”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose willing away his headache. “Yeah, he did. Corpsey? Cas really? The Maine Hermit? Next, you’ll be telling us to look up The Bunny Man or Charlie No Face.” Dean was snapping at Cas, he knew it, but he and Sam had already been away from the Bunker for almost two weeks.

“I am so happy you appreciate my help, Dean.” Cas was clearly agitated at Dean’s tone. “Maybe it is a dead end, Dean. Or maybe you and Sam should do your own research.”

There was silence on the other end.

“That son of a bitch hung up on me.” Dean said it more to himself than Sam, but Sam still heard it.

“Is Cas spiraling again? It’s about that time,” Sam said over his laptop while he typed away looking for more answers.

“What do you mean?” Dean walked toward the small dining table in their rickety hotel room where his brother sat.

Sam looked up, tired, he was no doubt feeling the stress of this case with each new person who disappeared. 3 since they arrived in town and 4 before that. He sighed. “You haven’t noticed that he seems fine for about a week, two at most after a market trip, then he starts getting irritable and sleeping more and stops taking care of himself. Then bounces right back after the next Market trip?”

Dean thought about it for a minute. “You got a point, Sammy,” he shrugged, “so, whatever is causing his mood swings is connected to whatever he's buying at the Market?" Sam gave a nod. 

Dean nodded back. “Yeah okay, we can deal with it when we’re home. We gotta get this case figured out.”

As if on cue, Sam’s phone alerted them to a text. “It’s Jack. He sent us a link to a website.”

Sam typed the name of the website into his laptop and began to read. His eyebrows shot to his hairline. “Ah, wow. So get this, a string of disappearances and suspected killings occurred in this state park close to 70 years ago, the reports were buried because it was the sheriff at the time, who was suspected of it all.” 

Dean scoffed. “Nice, what an asshole.”

Sam continued to read. “No bodies were ever found, the only alleged proof was a drunken confession to a priest. He said he was kidnapping and killing people who he deemed unclean. Among his victims were a woman who was pregnant out of wedlock, a couple believed to be homosexual, uhm, several people of color, the list goes on, and kind of makes me want to vomit.” 

Dean got up and went to their fridge to grab two beers. “So, are we dealing with the angry spirits of all these people? Because I gotta say, Sammy, they have a right to be angry.” Dean took a drink of his beer, and handed Sam one.

Sam continued to read. “No, uh I think we’re dealing with the spirit of the Sheriff himself. According to the unofficial reports, family members of his alleged victims formed a search party late one night and the Sheriff was never seen again. Almost all records of the man disappeared, he had no family, his wife and child were killed about 14 years before he was believed to have taken his first victim.” Sam’s eyes widened. “Recently while breaking ground for a new information center for this state park, the construction crew uncovered a set of bones, so if that’s our spirit, there’s the reason he’s active again. All of the recent disappearances fit descriptions of people he would’ve went after when he was alive.”

Dean groaned. “So a xenophobic, homophobic, racist, misogynist asshat is our vengeful spirit. All that research and it comes down to a ghost.” He put his head in his hands. “We have to search the area again, Sam. What if there’s still people alive? Does the article say anything about where he took his victims before?”

Sam frowned. “No, but I’ll keep looking. You look like you’re gonna fall over, Dean, get some sleep. The park service is currently keeping campers away from the area, so we can start fresh tomorrow.”

Dean didn’t argue, he needed some sleep, he barely remembered his head hitting the pillow.

***************

_BEEP BEEP_

_BEEP BEEP_

_BEEP BEEP_

Dean fumbled for his phone. Daylight was coming through the motel window, with bleary eyes he unlocked his phone and saw several texts from Jack and two from Sam.

“What the fuck Sammy, why are you texting me from the same room?” he mumbled but when he looked over his shoulder, Sam’s bed hadn’t been slept in and the room was empty.

**Sam**

**7:03 am**

_Hey I got some info and headed to hall of records_

**Sam**

**7:32 am**

_I’ll bring back breakfast_

Dean smiled at the kind gesture from his brother. He rubbed the sleepiness out of his eyes and moved on to his texts from Jack.

**Jack**

**8:22 am**

**__** _Sam said I helped :) :) :)_

**Jack**

**8:23 am**

**__** _Cas said he needed to go shopping_

_and asked for the credit card._

**Jack**

**8:25 am**

**__** _He told me to stay here in case you guys needed_

_any research done, I gave him my card._

Dean cursed to himself.

**Dean**

**8:27 am**

_Yeah you helped kid, it was probably_

_the breakthrough we needed._

**Dean**

**8:28 am**

_Did Cas say “shopping” or did he say “market”?_

**Jack**

**8:32 am**

_Market. Why? Are they not the same thing?_

**Dean**

**8:33 am**

_nah, it’s fine._

**Jack**

**8:36 am**

_he seemed really angry and he’s been increasingly short with me?_

_Mary stopped by shortly after Cas left, she seemed concerned that I gave him my card?_

_Did I do something wrong?_

**Dean**

**8:37 am**

_You didn’t do anything wrong._

Dean threw his phone down and rolled his eyes, there was no need to worry Jack about the situation.

The motel room door flew open and Sam came in, arms full of papers and take out food that smelled of bacon, and Dean’s mood instantly improved.

He filled Sam in on the latest with Cas and Jack and they agreed to monitor Cas’ moods and behavior to be sure that there was a connection between them and the market trips.

Sam had not only found a possible location of the killer’s past victims if the rumors were to be believed, but also the location of his bones currently. They were eating, and heading back into the wilderness to search for anyone still alive, and to burn the bones of the son of a bitch who couldn’t let his hatred rest.

**Dean**

**10:18 am**

_Hey Cas, text me or call when you get this please_

**Dean**

**11:20 am**

_Cas, Sam and I are heading out soon to hopefully put this spirit to rest,_

_would like to talk to you before that._

**Dean**

**12:43 pm**

_Cas?_

**Dean**

**1:00 pm**

_Cas? Jack says you’ve been home from the Market for hours, but you’re asleep._

Dean tried calling Cas and it went straight to voicemail without ringing. “Cas, hey, look, this spirit we’re going after is one mean sonofabitch, I would like to have you on standby.”

Second call, and second voicemail. “Cas, answer your phone please, it would be good to hear your voice before we--yeah, okay bye, Cas.”

Third call and third voicemail. Silence.

**Dean**

**2:33 pm**

_Okay, I’ve tried calling three times and it goes to voicemail._

_You know what, fuck you Cas._

_Sam and I are going after a very angry spirit,_

_and you can’t answer your damn phone._

The hunt was brutal, they couldn’t get to the bones of the killer until after hours at the medical examiners' lab. They decided to go out in search of possible victims who were still alive. They had to swim to get to it, following a river to a shallow pool, where they waded through a tight passage in a cliff face that most everyone would miss unless they were looking for it specifically. 

Dean got through with the water level just below his nose, poor Sam had to hold his head at an awkward angle to not scrap his head on the overhanging rock and to avoid breathing in water, but still coughing some up when they eventually hit open air. What they found was a small cave that looked like it didn’t belong inside the rock wall they crawled through, the entire space a little bigger than the bunker kitchen. 

Once they were both standing and upright, there were maybe two feet between their heads and the ceiling, walking out of the ankle-deep water onto semi-dry land, what they found was death, stench and blood. Bones from decades ago, there were also bones too small to adults, and decaying bodies from weeks and days ago. No one was alive and the ground was red with blood, looking like the bodies were beaten to death.

Dean took a deep breath through his mouth. “Fuck! Why are humans so awful to each other?” 

Sam didn’t comment.

Dean shined his flashlight around. “Honestly, Sam, the fucker that did this deserved to be lynched and ripped apart, what gave him the right?” The air went icy and Dean’s flashlight blinked out. “Oh, what the hell, you can’t tell me he’s here!” 

Sam pulled out his phone and realized too late that the trudge through the water had rendered it useless. Dean checked his phone and was met with the same result.

“Hope our guns aren’t waterlogged,” Dean grunted out as he felt the familiar adrenaline kick in.

Sam threw his bag to the ground and rummaged through it, tossing an iron bar to Dean, their shotguns, and the salt rounds that were thankfully kept in a Ziploc bag.

Back to back, they searched the area best they could in the near darkness while they loaded the salt rounds. 

“We should leave, Sam, we can’t help anyone here,” Dean suggested. “We need to burn the killer's bones and then we can come back here and put these poor people to rest proper.”

Sam grunted an affirmative but as he moved toward the small exit his feet came out from under him, and the figment of a man in tattered police garb appeared before Dean. It was the last thing Dean saw as he raised his iron bar, and then all went black.

***************

Dean woke up groggy. His vision slowly cleared and he was in the infirmary at the bunker. He bolted upright entirely too fast making the room spin, and he vomited off the side of the bed.

“Dean?” It was Cas.

Dean wiped his mouth. “Cas? What am I doing back here, how did I get here? Where’s Sammy?”

Cas was trying to help Dean to his feet and Dean shrugged him off. “Don’t touch me, I tried to text you before we went out, I tried to call! You couldn’t be bothered then, don’t touch me now!” Dean was screaming and he watched Cas back away slowly, through black spots in his vision, threatening to pull him under again.

He heard footsteps coming toward the infirmary. Mary rushed in, followed by Jack. “Mom, where’s Sam, what the hell happened?”

Mary walked up to Dean, “Dean, calm down, Sam is fine, he’s resting in his room.”

“He prayed to me,” came Jack’s voice from beside Cas. “Sam, he sent out a prayer, I flew Cas, Mary and myself to him.”

Mary was still holding onto Dean. “Honey, when we got there you were being thrown against walls over and over, Sam was pinned and couldn’t get his gun. We distracted the spirit. Jack got us all out of there. Sam and Jack went to the bones and burnt them. I went in as FBI and gave the police the locations of the bodies.”

Dean nodded. Taking it all in. That would have to be a good enough solution for him. Dean looked at Cas who was standing in silence by the door. He watched Cas turn and leave.

Dean hugged his mom, gave Jack a solid pat on the back and an, “awesome work kid, thanks for saving our asses,” and slowly made his way after Cas. He wasn’t in his room. Dean peeked into Sam’s room to find Sam asleep but looking mostly unharmed. Dean was going to go to the common areas to look for Cas, but he heard a shuffle as he passed his own room causing him to backtrack and enter it. Cas was sitting on Dean’s bed with his head in his hands and definitely crying.

“Cas?” Dean slowly entered the room and closed the door. “I think you got the wrong room, buddy.”

Other than crying, Dean noticed that Cas looked healthy once again. 

Cas took a shuddering breath. “No, I don’t have the wrong room, Dean, this is the room I should be in, I don’t deserve to be here though.” Dean was officially confused.

“What do you mean, Cas?” he sat down beside Cas.

“If I can’t even help when you need it, I can’t fly to you, If I can’t even be bothered to put effort into research, I was too involved in my own wor--my own pain to help when you needed me, why do I deserve to be here with you at all?” Cas stood now, and a piece of fabric fell from his lap. It was one of Dean’s well-worn flannels. Dean cocked an eyebrow in question but didn’t ask about it. He also didn’t ask about the “my own world” comment that Cas didn’t finish.

“You prayed to me,” Cas whispered staring at the shirt. “It woke me up.”

“What?” Dean looked up at Cas now. He had no memory of that.

“You prayed to me, you said _Castiel help_ , then everything went silent.” Tears were streaming down his face now. “I couldn’t get to you, and then Jack found me and he said Sam prayed to him--”

Cas swallowed hard. “I healed you, but you wouldn’t wake up. Then when you did wake up you were so angry with me--” Cas shut his eyes.

Dean stood and pulled Cas into a one-armed hug. “Cas don’t sweat it, man. Everything worked out okay, live to fight another day and all that. Thanks for healing me.” He stepped back to search Cas’ eyes. 

“Of course, Dean.” Cas looked pained.

Dean bent down and picked up the shirt, and handed it to Cas. “Keep it, man, if it helps with whatever you’re going through, that you won’t talk about.”

Cas gently took the shirt, nodded to Dean and quietly left.


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of the summer months, things were like a roller coaster. Dean began referring to Cas as Jekyll and Hyde in his head. Cas’ moods seemed to go in a rotation. He seemed good for about 2 weeks then spiraled into aggression and depression. Then came back up again. 

Since Cas spent so much time asleep, Dean had taken to checking on him when he went to bed. If Cas was sleeping peacefully then Dean continued on to his own bedroom. If Cas seemed distressed, then Dean would go lay beside Cas, sometimes holding him in his arms and sleeping beside him, and other times just sitting there helped. The fitful nights seemed to coincide with the aggression. Which one was causing the other remained unknown, or maybe something else entirely was causing both. Cas would toss and turn or looked pained, so Dean would lay beside him, put his arms around him and feel Cas relax, his breathing even out as he almost melted into Dean. As far as Dean knew, Cas had no clue he had been visiting him at night. Dean always woke before Cas, and quietly left the room. 

He found out Cas talked quite a lot in his sleep, always in Enochian. Dean wondered quite often what he was saying, and it all reminded Dean repeatedly that Cas was this huge celestial being squeezed into a human vessel. He was in awe that Cas chose to stay with them, gave up everything for them. The night in which that thought occurred, Dean actually held Cas in his arms and went as far as running his fingers through Cas’ hair. He could have sworn Cas almost purred. 

Laying with Cas while he slept became more of a norm for Dean than sleeping in his own bed. This was a point punctuated by the fact that Sam would stop outside the door and just smile at him. But bless his little brother for never mentioning it out loud; he would go as far as to shut Cas’ door to give them more privacy.

Sometimes Dean would even talk to Cas while he slept, finding it easier to talk to him when the angel was out. He slept deep, that was no joke. A level of deep sleep that Dean could never imagine getting himself after years of being trained to be on alert. Dean felt comfortable talking to Cas when he didn’t have to feel embarrassed about the crap coming out of his mouth. It was never anything too deep, just random thoughts. He was working up to talking about the real stuff.

On one particular night, Cas started responding to Dean’s random thoughts when he was sat there beside the sleeping angel. Dean was reading from a book on angelic weapons, because it was sitting on Cas’ nightstand and it was something to occupy his brain. 

“Hey, Cas,” Dean whispered, “here’s your angel blade, we already know how that works, hey bud?”

Cas spoke, in English this time. “No, Naomi. I won’t hurt Dean.”

Dean stopped midway through turning a page and looked down at Cas. He was still asleep. 

“Naomi?” Dean closed the book. “What about Naomi, Cas?”

Cas began to thrash in his sleep, so violently he actually hit Dean across the face, knocking him out of bed. Dean got up and managed to capture Cas’ wrists in his hands “Cas!” Dammit, he was strong when unchecked. “Cas?! Wake up!”

Dean wasn’t sure how it happened, but he ended up flat on his back on the floor with Cas atop him, angel blade drawn. 

“Woah! Hey! Stop Cas!” Dean yelled. He heard footsteps running toward Cas’ room, Cas dropped the angel blade. “You were having a nightmare.”

Cas looked around, frantic as Sam and Jack burst into his room.

“It’s okay, Sammy, Cas was just having a nightmare.” Cas climbed off Dean, looking like he was still getting his bearings.

“My apologies, Dean, thank you for waking me.” Cas was breathing hard. Dean stood up. 

“Good thing you were already here,” Jack said.

Cas looked at Dean in question. Dean stared down at his feet.

“Uh, Jack.” Sam cleared his throat. “Let's let them to it.” He and Jack left. Cas continued to look puzzled.

“You were already here?” Cas was looking around his room as though searching for something missing.

“Ah, yeah, you seemed restless, so I came in, and well, you know the rest,” Dean lied. Well, it wasn’t a complete lie. He just omitted the part where he sat there for two hours reading. “If you’re all good, I can go back to my room, unless you want me to stay?”

Cas was still looking around his room, like he was itching to check things, to see if anything was missing.

“Cas, you mentioned Naomi in your nightmares.” Cas’ eyes shot to Dean and to his angel blade on the floor. He bent and picked it up, placed it back under his pillow. Dean smiled at the thought that Cas kept his angel blade where he kept his gun.

“Yes, I still have nightmares about the times I was under her control.” Cas fidgeted with his shirt and borrowed sleep pants, they looked big on him. Again. “I have nightmares about so many things.”

Dean nodded. “Well I know what that’s like, and I only have a few decades of bad memories. I can’t imagine what’s swimming in your head after eons.”

Cas just stared at him. His eyes kept flying to the vent and Dean couldn’t help but feel like Cas was hiding a monster in there, figuratively speaking. He made a note of that.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I can stay--”

Cas interrupted him. “No, thank you, I’ll be fine, Dean.” His eyes flicked to his vent again. 

Dean didn’t argue. “Okay I’m gonna go shower, and if you change your mind, you know where my room is.” Before leaving Dean took off the flannel he was currently wearing and handed it to Cas. “Trade ya,” Dean smirked and picked up the other shirt he had given Cas a couple of weeks earlier off of Cas’ desk chair. He could’ve sworn Cas blushed, but he took the shirt, and Dean left the room.

The next day, Dean and Sam left for hunt, a quick vamp nest only two hours away. It made Dean nervous to leave Jack with Cas during a Mr. Hyde phase, but it was only overnight. Jack reported that Cas slept most of the time, except for a quick trip to the store. When they returned home, Cas looked healthy again and in a much better mood. It made Dean and Sam suspicious, but Jack said Cas went to the store, not the market.

Dean began his nightly visits to Cas’ room again. He found he slept better beside Cas as well. He wasn’t expecting the day that Cas woke up before him. He came back into consciousness slowly and when he opened his eyes he was looking into tear-filled oceans of blue. Cas was already awake. Fuck. Dean was still wrapped around Cas, doing his best imitation of an octopus. When did that happen?

“Mornin’ Cas,” Dean croaked out, “ya caught me, huh?” 

Cas said nothing, only stared.

“Wanna throw me a rope here, bud, so I don’t feel like a creeper?” Dean half-joked as he began to untangle their limbs.

“This is a dream,” Cas whispered, “you are not really here.”

Dean scowled, then reached out and pinched Cas’ inner forearm. Hard. Cas jumped and looked angry, then surprised.

“Why, Dean?”

“Why did I pinch you? Or why am I in your bed?” Dean noticed Cas hadn’t removed his arms from around Dean’s middle.

“Both.” 

Dean could’ve sworn Cas tried to pull him closer. Dean was having a morning _situation_ and he didn’t want to make this situation any more embarrassing than it already was. He regretfully pulled himself away.

“Well, I’ve been coming in and laying with you, when you seem like you’re tossing and turning a lot. You calm down when I’m here, haven’t figured out the why of that--”

“Haven’t you?” There was a challenge in Cas’ voice then he looked like he surprised himself by it and whispered. “I’m sorry, I interrupted, please continue.” 

Dean stared at him for a second. “--but maybe if you slept better, then--I don’t know maybe it would help you with that depression thing you mentioned.” 

He sat up and reached for his jeans on the floor, but he was already wearing sweatpants. “And I pinched you to prove you weren’t dreaming--wait Cas, did you borrow my jeans again?”

Cas sat up. “Uh yes, I'll wash them and return them.” He reached for the jeans but Dean just stood up with them.

“No problem man, I have to do laundry today anyway.” Cas kept eyeing the jeans. “Is there anything in the pockets?” Dean searched and pulled out a couple of receipts and a medallion from the Market. He held it up between his index and middle finger and looked at Cas.

“When were you at the Market to get a new medallion and with what money?” Dean didn’t mean to sound angry, but he and Sam were only gone two days. Dean’s mind raced back to the last hunt that Cas refused to go on, and how healthy he looked when they got back. Almost a month ago. The market trips were roughly every four weeks. Cas’ cycle of moods rushed through his brain. He found himself taking a deep calming breath. Had Cas been keeping these trips from them?

“Cas?” When Dean came out of his thoughts he noticed Cas was standing full height, head held high, the picture of a perfect soldier of God. It made him nervous and words from the past entered his memory. _You should show me some respect._

“What I do with my time is not always your business, Dean. If you must know, I’ve been going to the Market every month just in case, so that I can get the medallion for the next Market, in case we need it for supplies.”

Dean nodded and thought that was bullshit, but he wasn’t going to play that card just yet, instead he cleared his throat. “Okay, man, good plan, no need to get defensive.” he handed the medallion to Cas and watched Cas visibly sag in relief. “Did you have Jack fly you out?”

Cas looked ashamed but nodded an affirmative.

“Okay, Well I need breakfast. Do you want coffee?” Dean did his best to sound normal. He took his jeans and the last flannel, and left his current flannel. The small smile on Cas’ face made the clothing exchanges worth it.

“Yes, Dean, thank you,” Cas whispered, not meeting Dean’s eyes, and Dean left in search of breakfast and Sam. He had a theory to share with his brother. Cas was using Jack’s angelic abilities and his credit card to feed whatever was going on with him. They needed to know what was so important at this market. The date of the next Market was 3 days from then. They needed someone to follow Cas, someone he wouldn’t detect. 

Sam called Rowena for help. She happened to have a few contacts that worked that Market actually and she seemed surprised that the boys even knew about it. 

As Dean plated scrambled eggs and bacon, Sam told him Rowena was going to ask her friend to watch out for Cas and get back to him.

Cas joined them for breakfast, and then Jack. And as they were cleaning up, Cas mentioned he wanted to go the thrift store to find some clothing of his own. Dean paused. 

“Yeah sure, I can go with you.” Cas nodded and they agreed to leave in 20 minutes.

The trip was relatively quick and uneventful. They didn’t talk about the night before, or about the medallion, or why Cas all of a sudden wanted his own clothes. Dean suspected it was because Cas wanted more privacy. Cas found two pair of jeans, a few t-shirts, a couple of hoodies, several pair of sweatpants, sneakers, boots and slippers for the bunker. On the way home, they stopped for underwear and socks, a pack of plain white tees for sleeping in, as well as some groceries, toiletries and beer. A text came in from Sam that Claire had shown up and to bring pizza home.

Dean and Cas both smiled at that text and they headed home. 

Cas all but ran with his bags and a couple of grocery bags from the garage to the upper levels of the bunker. Something else that Dean often forgot about Cas was his “almost dad” connection to Claire. How responsible Cas felt for Claire and how her life ended up because of his interference in it. He wondered how odd it was for Claire looking at her dad when it wasn’t her dad. When Dean caught up carrying the pizza, beer and the remaining couple grocery bags, it was to Claire hugging Cas and Cas awkwardly hugging back. It made him smile.

Over pizza, Claire talked about how she was called by a hunter friend of hers to help with a shapeshifter problem in Oklahoma. Jody suggested she should stop and see if Jack was available to help.

“Since when do you have hunter friends?” Dean asked through a mouth full of pizza.

“Since I started hunting smart, old man,” Claire smiled as she said it, Dean scowled.

“This is a job for the young hunters,” Jack said with a smile.

“Et tu, Jack?” Dean put his hand to his heart and Sam chuckled.

Dean’s eyes found Cas who was smiling fondly at Jack and Claire, but otherwise not taking part in the conversation.

Claire stood. “I hate to eat and run, but we have to hit the road,” she said as she pointed at Jack.

There was a round of hugs, questions about what supplies they had and what their strategy was, along with promises to text with updates and orders to both come back alive, and then Claire and Jack were leaving. Dean watched Cas’ face fall. He had to admit he felt the same. 

It was an odd mixture of being proud and being worried watching those that they considered their children going off to hunt on their own.

Sam cleared his throat. “Actually, Dean and Cas, Rowena called while you guys were out, there’s an issue she could use our help with.” This was part of Sam and Dean’s plan so Dean went along with it. 

“Yeah, Sammy what’s that?” he kept his eyes on Cas, who was now very much paying attention.

“We’ll have to leave in the morning, it’s in North Dakota, looks like a small witch coven solving marital problems the bad way.”

Dean took a drink. “So 10 hours there, 10 hours back, might as well say 2 days driving time, however long the case takes.” There was, in fact, an actual case happening regarding the witches, they weren’t lying, Cas would sense that. It just wasn’t an actual case that they HAD to go on, they agreed because the time frame fit.

Cas spoke then. “Would it be beneficial for me to stay here?” This was exactly what Sam and Dean expected to happen. “I can be available for research for both of you, and if Jack or Claire contact us needing information."

Just to sell it, Dean added. “You will keep your phone turned on this time? No sleeping through our calls?”

Cas looked ashamed but nodded. “Of course Dean, I’ve learned from that mistake.”

Sam nodded, they all confirmed details and agreed to pack their stuff, and announced they would leave in the morning.

***************

Three days later saw Sam and Dean sat in a motel, having already taken care of the small coven of witches doing harm. They were waiting for word from Rowena and jumped at every text message. So when a knock at their door happened instead, and Rowena strolled in like a queen, they were a bit dumbfounded.

Sam looked shocked. “Uhm, Rowena, uh, hi. We weren’t actually expecting to SEE you.”

“Hello boysss,” she trilled. “Well, it’s been awhile, and I couldn’t pass up a chance to see my Samuel, now could I?” 

“I heard back from my wee friend and she reported that your sweetie pie angel is dealing with something nasty indeed.”

Dean bristled and when no more information came he rolled his eyes. “Okay, out with it Red, what’s he into?”

She gave him an unamused look, then smiled curtly, tapped his nose and proceeded with her information. “Well, it seems your angel has been buying djinn toxin.”

“What? Like siphoned from a djinn?” Sam seemed equal parts curious and appalled. “I’ve never heard of that.”

Rowena smiled. “Aye, from the djinn family who sells it actually. They siphon their own magic, into a serum, that is rubbed on the skin like lotion. It puts the user in a djinn dream-like state that wears off in so many hours, depending on how much ye use.”

Dean thought for a minute. “That, that doesn’t sound half bad, actually.”

Sam looked offended. “Dean!” 

“What, Sam? Good dreams or nightmares? Given the choice, I would take good dreams!”

Rowena intervened to avoid a brotherly shouting match.

“Like any drug, or vice a person may have, it is typically fine when used in moderation, but not as a crutch. Some people, yes, use only a small amount to avoid nightmares or help with insomnia. But those who use it to escape and use too much, you could lose him to that world.”

Dean stared at Sam.

Rowena continued, “and like any addictive substance, it usually takes more and more to have an effect once the user gets acclimated to the current dose.” She put her hands on her hips. “So tell me, how much has your angel sleeping lately?”

Dean scoffed. “He’s an angel, can he even become addicted to something?”

Sam gave a sad chuckle. “I get why he said I had no room to talk.” Dean looked confused. Sam stared him down. “Months ago, when this first started, he was referring to me being addicted to demon blood. Crowley was addicted to human blood.” 

Rowena flinched. “Aye.” Her look turned sour toward Sam, Sam had the decency to drop his gaze.

Dean sat down. “Fuck. So he’s trying to escape back to whatever he lived in during his week on that djinn rig.” 

Rowena looked at Sam. “Samuel, can you two give a girl a lift back to civilized society, and buy me a proper cuppa tea before heading back?” 

Sam smiled. “Of course, thank you, Rowena.” 

They packed up their stuff, and Dean felt in a haze. Rowena put a hand on his shoulder before he got in the car. “My dear boy, I think you need to make your angel tell you what blissful dreams he had, and then convince him that he can have the same in real life.” She winked at Sam before she got in the car, and they set off.


	6. Chapter 6

Moving into August, Sam and Dean each watched Castiel carefully. Cas seemed fine, sleeping a normal amount and seeming to be in good spirits.

When his mood was okay Dean would take a chance and ask some questions. One evening while sitting rather close on the sofa, searching for something to watch on TV, Dean landed on a movie about Virtual Reality. He thought that, yeah, that's a good segway. 

“Hey, Cas?” Cas turned his head toward Dean and seemed shocked at how close they were. 

“Yes? Dean?”

Dean shook his head to clear it. “Uhm, that VR stuff. Think that could actually happen? Like living in it? Attending school in a VR world, only having an avatar?”

Cas looked at the screen again and hummed. “At the rate the human race is growing intellectually, I believe it is very possible, almost desirable.” Cas turned his head back to Dean.

Dean held his breath. “What would your VR world look like Cas?” He didn't miss Cas’ gaze which fell to Dean's mouth, then away quickly. 

“Family and friends,” is all Cas said then he stood up slowly. Thankfully, it gave Dean time to reach out and snag Cas’ sleeve without seeming desperate. 

“You have family and friends Cas.” Cas gave Dean that small smile of his, the one that said, “you don't understand but I'll humor you.”

“Yes, I know. Dean, I'm feeling tired, I'm going to head to bed.” Dean let go and so Cas left. 

The next day Cas only came out of his room for lunch.

The following week was tense at best. Cas was polite, but short with everyone. When he was even awake at all. 

Maybe two days into Cas’ latest Mr. Hyde episode, they managed to talk him into staying awake long enough to maybe teach Jack Monopoly. Dean came home from a food run to a shouting match. Dean heard Sam’s raised voice as he walked the hall toward the Library.

“--all I said was that I needed your help Cas! I don't understand what I said wrong.”

“And I said I can't help you, Sam, accept that!”

Dean walked into the library as Cas stormed out, shoulder checking Dean on the way.

Dean spread his arms wide as he stared at the books strewn about, the sorrowful look on Jack's face as he sat at the table fiddling with Monopoly pieces and obviously trying not to get involved, and Sam's hunched figure leaning on the table.

“What the hell? I was gone for a half hour, what happened to pizza and game night?”

Sam sighed and rubbed between his eyes. 

“I got a call about a case. We don't need to go on it, there's other hunters there, but they need information. Dean, it's at the same B&B where we pulled Cas from--”

Dean froze. “Oh. Oh shit.” 

“Dean, I swear I didn't mean to upset him, I just asked him to give any info he could about the area, we never did figure out if we got all the djinn or ghouls that were working there. We took out who we saw and got Cas, and we high tailed it back home.”

Dean sat the pizza down. “Sammy, Monopoly is boring with two people, find a different game to teach Jack. I'll go talk to Cas.”

A few minutes later Dean was knocking on Cas’ door and met with no reply. Dean went in anyway to find Cas out cold. That didn’t take long at all. That toxin must work fast. He was in a calm sleep. Dean debated going back for pizza and game night and letting Cas be. Dean decided, fuck it all, and was going to lay down with him anyway even if Cas was peaceful. Dean was shit with words, but he could try to be there with Cas however he was able.

“Hey Cas,” he whispered as he climbed in beside Cas, jeans, flannel and all. “I wish I could see in that head of yours,” Cas mumbled in Enochian.

“Hmmm. I also wish after all these years that I learned a little more Enochian.” 

More mumbles followed and an almost chuckle. Cas turned and snuggled into Dean's side. Dean wondered if he was coming through in Cas’ dream world. He shifted and ended up with Cas’ head on his chest and his arms around him. He let out a sigh, at the same time that Cas let out a contented hum.

“I'm an asshole, Cas. For so many reasons, for never bothering to learn more than I needed for spells. Probably would've been nice for you to be able to talk in your native tongue.”

Soft snores were the only response he got.

“I’m an ass for not being able to talk to you except when you’re sleepin’.”

Dean looked Cas over, and wondered where on his body, Cas placed the toxin when he used it. 

“I really want to know what your dream world was, man?” Cas’ grip tightened on Dean's shirt. “We want to help it become a reality, and you keep shutting us out.”

Cas mumbled that phrase again that Dean thought meant _my love._

Dean shut his eyes and whispered the words back to Cas. 

Dean drifted to sleep without meaning to, and his dreams were very nice. Lips on his neck woke him up. It took a few seconds to realize that there shouldn’t be anyone kissing him. A strong hand roamed down his chest as those lips moved to his collarbone. He grabbed the wrist of the roaming hand while his eyes adjusted to the dim light.

Cas was kissing his neck. Dean was damn sure there were going to be marks. 

“Cas?”

Enochian again. Beloved. My love. 

Dean moved as much as he could away from Cas without waking him. He sat up and watched as Cas relaxed back to a deep slumber.

Dean left the room quietly, running smack into Sam as he did.

“What the hell, Sam?” He whispered. “What time is it?” Dean pulled his flannel up to cover any marks Cas may have left.

“4:30 in the morning, Dean. You guys never came back, so Jack and I played Life and went to bed. I’m heading out for a run.”

“You freak, I’m going back to bed. See you at a more reasonable hour,” Dean passed Sam and went to his own room.

A more reasonable hour came with a start when he was being shaken awake.

“Dean.” It was Cas’ gravel voice. Dean released the grip on his gun under the pillow. He rolled over to see Cas, looking exhausted.

“Dean, have you seen my wallet?” Cas’ eyes grew wide as he looked at Dean.

“What’s up, Cas?” you look like--” he stopped talking as Cas reached out and lightly ran a finger against Dean’s collar. 

“Oh,” Dean chuckled. “Left marks huh?” Dean ran a hand through his hair and started to sit up.

Castiel straightened to stand. He looked terrified, like he was afraid to ask the next question. “What?--Did you go out last night? Wh-Who left marks?”

Dean smirked “You, you horndog. Whoever you were dreaming about last night, you mistook me for them.” Dean needed to keep the mood light, but he watched Cas’ reaction carefully. It was as though he was carved of marble, he didn’t move a fraction of inch. 

Dean waited for Cas to respond. 

“Cas? Did I break you?” Only Cas’ eyes moved, he blinked, then stared at Dean’s neck some more. 

Dean stood and stepped toward Cas, but Cas stepped back. So Dean put his hands in his jeans pockets. “Look bud, it’s all cool man, no big deal. It’s not like you gave me permission to actually be in your bed. I crossed that line on my own. You don’t have to explain anything. Sexy dreams and all that, I get it.”

A broken whispered, “No.” 

Dean tilted his head like he hadn’t heard that. “What was that, bud?”

“Don’t call me bud. Or man. Or anything. Just---” Cas' breathing was rapid now, Dean wasn’t sure what to do. He reached out and Cas turned on his heel and left the room.

Dean followed Cas as he walked away from him down the halls, repeatedly calling out his name. When he ignored him, Dean snagged Cas’ forearm forcing him to stop.

“If you’re embarrassed don’t be! I'm not upset.”

Castiel spun so suddenly that Dean almost ran into him. “Well I am upset! Is that okay with you?” Cas was in Dean’s face, noses touching, and he lowered his voice to a whispered growl. “My behavior was unacceptable between friends!”

Dean took a half step back. Cas took a deep breath through his nose and gritted his teeth. “Now, have you seen my wallet? I have somewhere to be.”

Dean found his own walls rebuilding themselves at a rapid pace. “Where? The next Market? Need more djinn toxin?”

That made Cas still and drop his anger. His eyes went wide. 

“Yeah, Cas, we know. We’ve known for a few weeks. Your fucking wallet is probably on the library table where you left it after refusing to help Sam last night.” Dean stepped past Cas toward the kitchen.

He stepped into the kitchen to see Sam looking surprised. Apparently, he'd heard the entire conversation. Dean chose to ignore that Sam heard everything.

“Where’s Jack?” Dean grumbled as he headed for the coffee pot.

“Nice hickeys,” Sam said

“Fuck you, Sam, I asked you a question.” Dean poured his coffee.

“Jack went with Mom and Bobby, to check out the djinn/ghoul B&B situation.” Dean’s head snapped up.

“What?!” Dean roared, “That’s dangerous, why aren’t we going? Why did you send them?”

Sam laughed. “I didn’t SEND anyone, Mom and Bobby were already there and Jack wanted to help. They know what they’re walking to, they’ll be fine, Dean.”

Dean left the kitchen and Sam followed quickly, noticing Cas still standing dumbstruck outside the doorway to the kitchen. He slowly followed them, however. Dean went to the library and picked up Cas’ wallet when he got there. “So let’s see, Mom, Bobby, Jack all off fighting shit that Cas could give intel on, or help fight, let’s see why he won’t.” Inside he found the latest market medallion. Like he thought, it was dated for that day. He put Cas’ wallet back down without the medallion inside.

Sam’s eyes looked knowing but skeptical “Sooooo--we’re doing THIS today, huh?”

“Damn straight we are.” Dean started walking out of the library as Cas entered. 

They both stopped, and had a stare down reminiscent of a high noon duel. Dean held up the medallion. 

“Give me the medallion, Dean.”

“You don’t need the toxin Cas. You said you wanted family and friends--” Dean’s voice rose to a scream, “well those people are off fighting your demons right now!”

“You don’t know what I need, Dean, don’t pretend to.” 

Sam intervened. “Cas, you know my history with demon blood, so I can understand the appeal of that feeling when you--”

Cas closed his eyes tight. “With all due respect, Sam, you have no idea what I am trying to escape.”

Sam’s phone rang. “I--uhm--it’s Mom--” he fumbled, but answered it and left the room.

“So what are you trying to escape, Cas?” Dean challenged.

Cas was silent

“You tell me, and I’ll give you this,” he said, wiggling the medallion between his thumb and forefinger.

“Nightmares, Dean, the nightmares that haunt me from Eons of fighting and not belonging and being reprogrammed and--”

“Bullshit.” Dean snapped. “You know, angels don’t even need to sleep, so if you don’t want nightmares, then why not just stay awake?”

“Dean--” he took a deep breath. “I gave you my reason.”

“And I’m not buying it, Cas! What is so fucking great about your dreams that you’ll let yourself waste away for it?”

Cas was silent, but looked at the marks left on Dean’s neck. 

There was a high pitch whir in the air. Dean ignored it and only raised his voice above it instead. “What is so much more important than the family you have here that you’re ignoring for a reality you can’t have?” 

“Because I despise this reality!” Cas was yelling now, and there went more lightbulbs.

When Dean’s ears stopped ringing, he bitterly nodded. “Fine, if this reality with us lowly humans is so horrible then go.” He threw the medallion at Cas’ chest and it fell to the floor. “Pack your shit and leave us be, I thought we were family, I thought maybe we--” Dean’s throat closed with emotion. He held back his tears before saying, “just go, Cas.”

Cas picked up the medallion. “Dean. I didn’t mean life here with you was bad.”

Dean couldn’t speak. There it was again. Someone else abandoning him. Cas reached out toward Dean and Dean shrugged him off. He tried to say _have a safe trip_ , or _you don’t have to leave_ , or anything but his throat wouldn’t let him.

Cas went stoic again. He slowly turned, and walked up the steps and out the door.

Dean stood there staring in silence at the spot where Cas was previously standing.

All Dean could think was, at least he didn’t pack a bag, so he would be back, right?

Sam, however, did pack a bag. “Cas blew out my phone while I was talking to Mom, called her back on my spare, they need an extra set or two of hands.” 

Dean composed himself. “Yeah, okay.” 

Sam patted his brother on the shoulder. “We’ll try to get through to him again, when you’ve both had time to calm down.”

Dean just nodded and followed Sam to the garage.


	7. Chapter 7

It was a short drive by their standards, not even three hours. Sam didn’t shut up the entire ride.

Dean filled him in on the fight and what was said.

“He’ll be back Dean. Try praying to him.”

Dean nodded.

“I mean you didn’t really hear him out,” Sam said absently while staring out the window.

“What do you mean?” Dean questioned instantly feeling defensive.

“Well, he started to explain and you shut down, there may have been more to say. He said being with us wasn’t bad right? I don’t think he meant it how it sounded. None of us are good with communication, Dean.”

Dean only nodded again.

A few miles of silence followed. “You love him, don’t you?” Came Sam’s voice, confident in his assumption.

Dean nodded and felt more tears threatening to work their way to his eyes.

Sam continued. “Like as more than a friend, IN love with him?”

Dean nodded.

Sam sounded both in awe, and proud. “Wow.” Dean saw Sam turn his gaze from the road to him “So tell him, Dean, he needs to hear it.”

Dean was crying and angry that he was crying in front of his brother. “Are you saying it’s my fault he’s addicted to this shit and prefers a dream world?”

Sam’s voice was a steady calm where Dean expected pity or pleading. “I never said that, Dean. We don’t even know what his dream world is, but he needs to know how you feel either way.” 

Dean could barely ask. “And if he doesn’t feel the same?”

Sam, again with his overconfident tone, said, “he does” then laughed. “You have to be blind, or Dean, not to see it.”

Dean let out a nervous laugh. “You asshole.”

Sam was trying to keep the situation light. Dean silently thanked him for it. “Let's put this djinn/ghoul case to rest, then we’ll track Cas down.”

Dean’s voice became terse. “I plan on burning that B&B to the ground Sam, just warning you.”

Sam only nodded. 

***************

Jack was at the hospital with the remaining three victims still alive. Sam and Dean met him there. The hospital was keeping the patients in for observation, but they somehow made an amazing recovery, which Jack was extremely proud of himself for.

The B&B was a converted farm house, on acres of now unused farm land. There wasn’t another house for miles. It was no wonder these monsters got away with this for so long. As such that meant that the tunnels under the property that the ghouls were using went on for about three miles in every direction. When they got to the B&B, there was a pile of ghouls, pile of djinn, and Mary and Bobby both fighting off a few of each. 

They helped dispatch them relatively quickly. Sam, Mary and Bobby went to check the tunnels that the ghouls were previously hiding in. While Dean and Jack did another sweep of the B&B.

When they were finished, Dean texted Cas about the case.

**Dean**

**4:47 pm**

_Hey Cas, we got all the djinn and ghouls this time. Jack healed the victims._

_He’s damn proud of himself. Shoulda seen his face._

**Dean**

**6:57pm**

_**Dean sent a picture of the B &B in flames to Cas via text. ** _

**__** _Best bonfire I’ve ever seen. Wish you were here._

Several piles of bodies got vaporized courtesy of Jack, and if they didn’t call 911 for the B&B being on fire, until they were across the town line, well, that was no one’s business but theirs.

**Dean**

**7:28 pm**

**__** _Cas, we’re heading home. Hope to see you there man._

_Really hope to see you. I’m sorry about how I let you leave._

There were no phone replies from Cas. Dean let Sam drive home. For the entire ride, Dean prayed to Cas.

_Castiel, you talk so much in your sleep. I need to learn more Enochian._

_Hey Cas, I’m sorry._

_Cas? Got your ears on? I need to talk to you. I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain more. You know I have issues with people leaving me. I went back to default Dean._

_Castiel? I’m home, you’re not. And no word from you. You’re probably in a djinn coma right now. I’m halfway through a bottle of the worst scotch I’ve ever tasted._

_Cas? About last night, about your dream, I hope you’re listening. If you were awake and in your right mind, I would’ve been up for that, is all I’m sayin’._

_Cas I’m in love with you, you probably can’t even hear me._


	8. Chapter 8

_Castiel, Happy Birthday, well, what I consider a birthday, maybe it’s an anniversary, anyway It’s September 18th, you blew the barn doors open and walked into my life today. Happy whatever. I fuckin’ miss you. Cas I love you and I’m sober when I’m saying it now._

_Cas, it’s been a fucking month, well it’s been 3 weeks, 2 days. I’ve said I’m sorry. I’ve been praying almost hourly, every fucking day. Where are you? Your cell is disconnected._

_Castiel you have to be hearing at least some of my prayers._

_Castiel fuck you, I’ve poured my heart out to you. I can only assume you don’t feel the same. This life with us was actually what you despised. I’m a mere human, a speck on your timeline, what can I possibly offer an Angel?_

_Don’t talk to me again, fine, whatever, but at least answer Jack you heartless robot, he’s worried._

Dean was sitting at the table in the kitchen when Sam walked in followed by Rowena. 

“You here to do a tracking spell or something, Red?” Dean grumbled over his coffee.

“No, I'm not, I just popped by because Samuel said you needed a medallion for the next Market to catch up with your cloud hopping angel.”

Dean glared at Sam. “Did he now. He failed to fill me in on this plan.”

“Tsk tsk, Sam, keeping secrets,” Rowena chided. She removed a medallion from her purse, “Here you are, boys.” 

“Thank you, Rowena,” Sam smiled, “we owe you.” 

Rowena played with the top button of Sam’s shirt. “Oh, I’ll be sure to collect. But for now, I'm off. There is a wonderful spa calling my name, and I have a car waiting at my hotel for me.”

Sam saw Rowena out and then returned with his laptop.

“So the next market is two days from now, and it’s 15 hours and some minutes away, in--” Sam cringed, “in New Orleans.”

Dean groaned, “the most haunted city in America. You know I hate going there, Sam!”

“Well, I’m betting you love Cas more than you hate New Orleans.” 

Dean wanted to punch the smug smile from Sam’s face.

Dean chugged his coffee. “Fuck! I’ll get my keys and pack a bag.” He turned quickly and pointed at Sam with his best stern face. “We are NOT getting involved in any cases down there! I mean it, Sam! Not even a hint of a case, understand?”

Sam put his hands up in defense, but couldn’t help chuckling. “Understood, Dean.”

“None!” Dean reiterated.

Sam laughed. “Okay, I promise.” 

Dean continued to mutter to himself as he left the kitchen. “Fucking ghosts,” “god damn death trap of a city,” “voodoo, hoodoo and witches,” “christ I hate that place.” “Good food though.” “Great music.” “Fucking vampires and rugarus.” “Stop laughing, Sammy!”

***************

The drive was killing Dean. The tape deck wasn’t working, his eyes were sore, his ass was numb, but everytime Sam offered to drive, Dean couldn’t sleep anyway. He was too amped up, wondering what he was going to say to Cas. How they were going to approach this. He kept coming up blank, he was afraid Cas would turn tail and run as soon as he saw them. Would Cas show at all? Was he currently in a djinn world while wasting away in the real world? Was he okay? For over a month, not a peep from him. He wouldn’t even answer Jack and that was simply worrisome. He never ignored Jack; even at his most agitated Cas would at least give the kid an, “I’m fine”.

Sam tried to talk to Dean about their plan, but honestly, there were so many variables. They had a general plan to hang out around the djinn table waiting for Cas. Dean would’ve been happy to just sit in the parking lot and wait for him to come out. If he showed at all.

9 hours into their drive, Dean had worried himself into a fit. He had to pull over and vomit. 

Sam drove after that but Dean couldn’t rest. He fidgeted in his seat, he criticized Sam’s driving, he went over all the versions of their plan. He answered Sam’s endless questions about his feelings for Cas. One minute he was talking to Sam about Cas, his stupid sex hair, and weird mix of badass and “cinnamon roll” (shut up Sam, I heard the term from Claire). Then the next minute Sam was shaking him awake. They were at their motel. 

“When did I fall asleep?” he groggily asked Sam.

Sam just smirked. “Somewhere in between cinnamon roll and describing to me how Cas smells like a thunderstorm.” Sam stifled his laugh. “Man, Dean, if we were ten years younger, that last two hours before you passed out would’ve been prime blackmail material.”

“Shut up, Sam and you’re sworn to secrecy! Bro code!” Dean pointed at Sam.

Sam snorted “Bro code, my ass.” He playfully shoved Dean toward the motel office. “Get the room, jerk.”

“Whatever, bitch,” Dean mumbled. What the hell had gotten into him. Droning on and on about Cas like a lovesick teenager from a chick flick. Dean paid for their room, and helped get the bags. The plan was to sleep that night and hit the market at opening time tomorrow.

Sam seemed to sense Dean’s unease about pouring his heart out about Cas. Once they were in their room, private, Sam cleared his throat. _Here it comes_ Dean thought.

“Uh, Dean, you know, there’s nothing wrong with how you feel about Cas?” There was Sam’s supportive face. “You know I don’t care about you two being together right?” 

Dean just stared at his brother. 

Sam continued, “I know you’ve never advertised your bi-sexuality, or maybe you’re just Cas-sexual, I don’t know, but--” Sam was looking for something to do with his hands so he stuffed them in his jeans pockets “--hell, I slept with a demon,” he laughed, uncomfortably now.

Dean just nodded. “Yeah, Sammy, I know you’re cool with it, that was never an issue in my head.”

Sam seemed surprised. “Really? I mean, you’re not having some sort of sexual identity crisis?”

Dean turned, planning on asking Sam where this was coming from but what came out was, “surprisingly, no.” and when Sam just stared him down, he went on with, “it’s 2019, we have friends of every color, religion, sexual orientation, demons, vampires, werewolves, angels. Me being bisexual, or pan, or whatever this is,” he gestured to himself, “doesn’t bother me, and I don’t give two fucks if it bothers anyone else.”

Sam smiled something genuine that Dean hasn’t seen in ages.

Dean grabbed clothes from his bag. “Wanna know what terrifies me though?”

Sam just nodded.

“That Cas doesn’t feel the same, and this all for nothing.” Dean looked at the floor. “Or worse, we’re too late and he’s gone already, wasted away into a different world that he thinks is better than I can give him. There's a reason he's not answering prayers right? He either hates me or he's dead.” Without checking Sam’s reaction he walked to the bathroom to shower.

Morning came faster than Dean would’ve liked. After showering, he had tossed and turned for a couple of hours, grumbling to himself. This caused Sam to get out of bed. He left the motel room for about 10 minutes and came back with a travel pack of sleep aid; he must’ve gotten from the motel convenience store. Half an hour later, Dean was out. 

Sam was once again shaking him awake and daylight was coming in through the blinds.

A quick breakfast and they were two of the first customers at the market that day.

It took a bit of time to find the djinn peddler, but when they did the woman had done nothing to hide her djinn appearance. She gave them a sickly smile.

“Gentlemen, what can I offer you today? All of my toxin is the highest possible concentrate that is safe.” When Dean went cold as ice, she turned her glare on Sam. “I also have lower concentrations to help with insomnia, or nightmares maybe? All sourced from my own family, so I can vouch for the purity of it.”

Dean sucked his lower lip between his teeth to keep from screaming at her and drawing attention.

Sam took the lead. Putting on his best smile and concerned tone. “Actually we were hoping you could help us find someone, who we think frequents your shop?”

Sam pulled up a photo of Cas on his phone, and the woman knew precisely who he was talking about. They told her that if she didn’t mind they would like to wait, behind her dividing wall for him to show up, promising her that they meant him no ill will.

“I might lose a valued customer if I allow you to do this,” she sneered, “what’s it worth to me?”

Dean snapped, “you’re going to lose him anyway, you bitch, if he drowns in this shit you sell!”

Sam held Dean back and whispered in his ear. “Dean! No violence policy!”

The djinn woman just gave Dean a smug smile. “I give directions on proper use of this toxin, it is not my fault if the buyers do not heed the directions.”

Dean shrugged Sam off. “Can we wait here or not?”

She smiled. “Not.”

“You can wait at my table,” came a small voice behind them. They both turned to see a small woman, maybe college age, who couldn’t be any taller than 4 foot 8, and was plump. Not intimidating in voice or stature, however, the look she gave the djinn woman would’ve killed, if looks could kill. She pointed to her table which was across from the djinn table. From the items on her table, she appeared to be Wiccan.

Dean nodded, “yeah okay.”

Sam was confused. “Dean?”

“What, Sam? We can still see Cas from here, and it’s not like we can jump him here with their policies, so maybe we can follow him out without him knowing.”

Sam and Dean followed the girl to her table.“I’m Evie, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but what I heard made me wonder if you happened to be friends of Rowena?”

Sam perked up. “Yes, are you the contact she had here? Who told us what Cas was buying?”

“I am, and I’m sorry about your friend.” She put her hand in Dean’s. “I lost a brother to a djinn world, about 3 years ago.” She glared across the aisle. “I despise that family of djinn and what they do, but unfortunately I can’t make them leave. If I can save someone else, I’ll gladly help.” 

She offered them both a chair that sat somewhat hidden behind racks of tapestries, scarves and other cloth items that were decorated with stitched sigils, runes and the like. It didn’t totally hide them but they might avoid being seen right off the bat. “You two just sit tight and I’ll let you know when I see him.” She gave them a warm smile and sat herself down behind her table.

It was almost two hours later, two hours of whispered conversation about nothing in particular, bless Sam for trying to keep Dean’s mind off of things. A whispered, “excuse me, Sirs,” got their attention. Evie was peeking at them between the racks. “Your friend is here.”

Sam and Dean poked their heads up and there was Cas, across the aisle, making his purchase. Dean thought he looked like roadkill, the actual sight of Cas made Dean’s blood run cold. He was so very thin. In sweatpants and a plain white tee. His hair was longer, he clearly hadn’t thought to shave in weeks, or shower by the looks of things. His hair was flat across his forehead.

Where had he been? Had he eaten recently? If he hadn’t was it because he was out of money for food or because he just didn’t care?

Dean realized he hadn’t moved when Sam tapped him and pointed to the djinn table. The djinn peddler was whispering something to Cas that made Cas clearly straighten in alert, and he not so carefully tried not to glance over toward their location. He paid quickly, put his purchase in his pants pocket and started walking.

Sam whispered thanks to Evie and took a bag of items he had bought off her while sitting there as well as her contact information. He and Dean hurried to follow Cas out.

Followed; they were more like shadows than anything. They were leaving no room for him to slip into a crowd. Cas wouldn’t risk a scene here and lose his clearance to come back. The toxin was too important to him. Dean highly doubted that the death penalty for violence within the market had even occurred to Cas.

Once outside they got the medallion for the next market and proceeded to the parking lot. 

Without slowing their walk Cas grumbled, “what are you both doing here?”

Dean grabbed his arm. “I dunno Cas, when all the prayers and calls are going unanswered, we decide to look for the people we give a shit about!” In the sunlight, Dean was struck silent by Cas’ sunken cheeks and circles under his eyes.

Sam came up to the side of Cas as Dean continued. “I prayed every. Single. Day. Cas, sometimes hourly, and you couldn’t be bothered to answer!”

Cas shook his head. “I--” he looked as though he was trying to remember. “I haven’t been listening to prayers.” Cas patted his pockets. “I lost my phone.”

“You look like shit!” Dean spat. “Have you been doing anything to take care of yourself, at all? Other than your next djinn fix, have you cared about anything at all, yourself? Jack? Claire? Sammy?” He paused before adding, “Me?” This wasn’t the plan, bitching him out wasn’t the plan, but he had Cas’ attention. Dean watched out of the corner of his eye as Sam moved in. Dean gave a shake of the head, signaling for Sam to wait.

Cas turned bitter eyes to Dean. “I’m sorry if I’m not pleasing to the eye, Dean.”

“Oh, Fuck pleasing to the eye, Cas, that don’t matter, we’re worried about your actual life, Cas! Look, just heal yourself please, your grace is probably keeping you barely alive right now out of some weird survival instinct.” Dean reached out and took both of Cas’ hands, and pleaded. “Please Cas, heal yourself.”

Cas gave an exasperated breath and shut his eyes, in all of two seconds he let his grace heal him and they had their Cas back. In under a second after healing himself Sam had angel cuffs on him and Dean wanted to throw up all over again at the look of betrayal in Cas’ eyes.

Sam found Cas’ car keys and dug the djinn toxin out of his pants pocket. Cuffed or not, Cas was a force to be reckoned with in a fight. He headbutted Sam, rammed him in the stomach sending him flying a few feet and leaving him with road burn down his cheek. Dean managed to get his arms around Cas hoping to stop him and got a back of the head to his nose for his trouble.

“Cas! Stop! We just want to talk to you, without you running off again!” Dean screamed as he held his sleeve against his bleeding nose. Sam was running toward Cas and Cas managed to whirl around grabbing Sam’s hand with both of his, and twisting it up and backward at an odd angle that made Sam fall to his knees in pain. He didn’t miss Dean coming toward him, and while still twisting Sam’s arm, he swept Dean’s feet out from underneath him, knocking the wind out of Dean.

Cas was seething anger. “Now who looks like shit? Maybe you shouldn’t have let me heal myself before cuffing me!” He let Sam go, took his car keys and toxin back and turned toward his car. “I advise you both to leave me alone.”

Dean got up and charged at Cas grabbing him around the waist, reminiscent of a football tackle, and they both ended up being slammed against Cas’ car. Dean fell to his knees and elbows. Cas slumped to the ground, window glass in his hair, blood dripping from a cut at his temple.

They were both breathing hard but still conscious. 

The shadow of Sam fell over them, cradling his arm, as he walked up to them. “Are we all done now?”

Dean half nodded half shook his head no.

Cas rolled his eyes and his head fell back against his car in obvious pain.

Sam took Cas’ keys back and the toxin. “I’m driving, we’ll take Baby, come back for Cas’ car later.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a small mention in this chapter about "game night banishing" is actually based on a tumblr post that made me chuckle by [@aphony-cree](https://aphony-cree.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. I got their permission to include the mention in this fic.  
> The link to the original tumblr post [Game Night Banishing](https://aphony-cree.tumblr.com/post/183895749569/imagine-dean-and-cas-playing-monopoly-sam-why-is)  
> Link to that post with added comments and photos is here [Game Night Banishing cont. Thanks for the vacation bitch!](https://dmsilvisart.tumblr.com/post/186260081133/dmsilvisart-ain-t-bovvered-ain-t-bovvered)

It took twenty minutes to get back to the motel. Fearing that Cas might actually try to strangle Sam from the behind with the chain on his cuffs, Dean chose to sit in the backseat, behind Sam. Castiel sat as far away from Dean as he could get it seemed, slumped against the side door with his head resting against the window, staring blankly out at the scenery. Dean watched Cas the entire ride, but Castiel’s eyes and posture never changed.

Thankfully there was no one around when they pulled into the parking lot of the motel. The last thing they needed was someone seeing them bringing a handcuffed person to their room.

Once inside Dean pulled up a chair for Cas, who sat without comment.

“You hungry Cas?” Dean asked as he opened their cooler and grabbed a beer. “Thirsty maybe?”

No response. Dean glanced to Sam who shrugged. Dean walked to Cas’ side.

“Earth to Cas, are you gonna answer me? Sam can run for grub if you’re hungry.” 

No response. Cas only stared straight at the motel door.

Dean pulled up a chair backward, in front of Cas and sat facing him, arms draped across the back of the chair. Sam leaned against the motel door in Cas’ line of sight. Cas’ gaze then moved to a point on the back of Dean’s chair, and fixated there. Never meeting their eyes.

Dean sighed. “Okay look, you can pull the silent treatment, you can do the military name, rank and serial number thing if you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that we’re detoxing you, right here, in this shitty motel room, in the most haunted city in America, however long it takes us.”

Cas showed no sign that Dean’s words affected him in the slightest. 

Dean stared at Cas. Cas stared at a spot on Dean’s chair. Sam watched it all and the first hour ticked by in silence.

***************

At the start of hour two, Dean chuckled. That made Cas look up involuntarily.

“Hey Cas, do you remember when Sam and I tried to teach you how to hustle pool?”

Sam laughed behind him and Dean heard him come forward. Sam pulled up a chair, sitting similar to Dean, and chuckled. 

“I’ve never seen Dean run so fast out of a bar in my life, than after you told those guys Dean wasn’t actually drunk off his ass.” 

“Yeah laugh it up, Sammy, you were right behind me if I recall, until you had to go back for Cas so he wouldn’t vaporize those poor bastards.” Dean took a long drink.

Cas said nothing, his gaze went back to the door behind Sam and Dean. 

“Now look at you, you’re pretty damn good at hustling pool!”

Sam and Dean continued talking, more to each other really, but Dean was hoping Cas was listening.

They spoke of movie nights, and an impromptu stop at a drive-in movie on the way back to the bunker, because Cas had never been to a drive-in.

“What about when Sam and I were on the outs and I took you to that brothel.” Dean barked with laughter, Sam looked really confused. “Every time we see a random mailman I smile now.”

Dean was laughing so hard he could hardly speak. “What about that steakhouse, in Sedona, not long after we met Cas, like real early days?”

Sam bumped Dean’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “Oh, yeah yeah yeah, when you told our waitress that you didn’t eat because-” Sam used air quotes and lowered his voice to imitate Cas, “Angels of the Lord don’t need sustenance like fragile humans do.”

Dean interrupted, “So then she tried to flirt with you, and you told her you felt no sexual attraction toward her whatsoever.” Dean laughed. “We’ve never left such a large tip for a server before, that poor girl.”

Dean sighed “You want a beer, Cas?”

No reply.

“Drunk Cas is always good for a laugh too,” Sam continued again imitating Cas, “don’t ask stupid questions.” Dean was confused over that one but he let it go. 

“I liked when you told us you wanted to be hunter, “Cas is back in town!” Dean shook his head “you certainly were, buddy. We miss you.”

An awkward silence fell for a few seconds, then Sam spoke again. “The game night banishing,” was all he said and Dean threw his head in laughter. Dean wiped tears away. 

“Cas you can certainly be a sassy little shit when you want to be, seriously sending me photos from Miami?” Sam burst into laughter as well.

“Speaking of photos Cas,” Sam began and Dean turned to look at his brother, “one of my favorite memories is when I set up that cloud feature on your phone because you had taken so many photos you were out of storage on your phone. Seeing what you thought were picture worthy moments blew me away.” Dean glanced at Cas and saw that he was actually looking at Sam now. They were getting through, slowly but surely. Sam continued, “You find beauty in things we take for granted, I felt honored that you would share that with me.”

“Seeing you in a cowboy hat,” Dean winked, “that was awesome. What about the dudes in the loincloths, this job isn’t bad all the time, right?”

Hours two and three ticked by with Sam and Dean traveling memory lane. Still, Cas said nothing, but he at least was looking at them now and Dean saw a sparkle in his eye and the hint of a smile.

***************

Hour four began with Sam starting a story about a wedding they had to attend for a case, where everyone they spoke to assumed Dean and Cas were a couple. He was in the middle of laughing about how flustered Dean had gotten over it, when Cas interrupted them.

“Do you know what I remember?” Cas said in barely a whisper while staring at where the chair legs met the floor.

Something about the tone in Cas’ voice made Dean’s blood run cold.

“I remember only being called on by you when you needed a weapon.” Cas’ voice was flat. “I remember starting a rebellion because I believed in Free Will, and being criticized for everything I tried to do with that goal in mind. Even though both of you have done similar or worse things for your cause.”

Sam looked cautiously at Dean.

“I remember being left with someone that you called an enemy when I took on Sam’s pain and my mind broke. I remember becoming friends with Meg, and that neither of you had the decency to tell me that she died. I heard it with her last thought before you drove away and left her there.

"I remember being kicked out of the bunker after the fall when I needed you most, then being called on again when Dean needed saving from himself, even though I was slowly dying and living on borrowed grace. I remember no one noticing I was possessed by Lucifer until he revealed himself.” Cas was screaming now. “When you faced Amara, I remember thinking you were dead, Dean Winchester! When you came back, I got an awkward hug and a comment about a harp!”

Cas stood in anger and raised his voice. “I remember words like brother, buddy, man, pal!” He glanced at Sam and Dean. “I remember no one thinking to tell me that Claire was turned into a werewolf, and that maybe I would want to see her before she possibly died! I remember not being trusted when it came to Kelly and Jack.” Cas’ gaze snapped to Dean. “Jack was a monster to you after he was born, my word that he was good wasn’t enough for you! OH, but Jack was wonderful after he was able to resurrect me!” 

Cas turned away from them. “I remember saving Mary and being criticized for it, but it’s fine for you to sacrifice yourself anytime you see fit.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I remember only being valued when I was of use to the Winchesters!”

Dean stood. “How can you say that?! Cas you’re family, you’re more than just a weapon to us!”

Sam slowly got to his feet. “Dean I don’t think that’s what he--” 

Cas continued without turning to face them. “I remember telling you recently Dean, that I don’t get words wrong. I also remember telling you that I loved you when I thought it was going to be my last words, and not hearing those words returned back to me.”

Dean felt Sam put his hand on his shoulder, and whatever Sam was going to say was lost in Dean’s anger. “We’ve been taking this trip down memory lane to show you that we love you! We didn’t pull you off that djinn rig just to lose you to this addiction, Cas!”

Cas whirled on Dean screaming in his face, “I didn’t ask to be pulled from that world!”

Dean watched Cas take a deep breath through his nose before he growled. “I was happy there.” 

Cas reached up with his cuffed hands and pushed Dean away. ”I was wanted there! We hunted, we raised Jack, Claire was around more, we were a family, we carried on like most people would normally. My initials were beside yours on the library table.”

Dean felt his heart break, Cas actually had tears in his eyes. “No, I’m not wanted here like I was there.” He rolled his eyes to the ceiling and tears fell.

Dean reached out. “Cas, I- I need you.” Dean felt a smack to the back of his head and turned to see Sam giving him a WTF face. Dean paused, took a breath and began again. “Cas I lo-”

“Dean, we were together!” Cas spat out frustrated at the situation.

“Like _together_ together Cas-” Dean tried to joke and got smacked on the back of his head again. Dean curbed his urge to be a cocky shit and motioned for Sam to leave.

Sam grabbed his wallet, Cas’ keys, and backed toward the door. “Uh, I’m going to call a cab and go back to get Cas’ car, I’ll let you guys talk this out.” He silently motioned for Dean to text him updates and Dean nodded. As soon as the door was shut Cas collapsed at the foot of one of the beds. Sitting with his shoulders slumped staring at the floor.

Dean pulled up his chair facing Cas. He hesitantly reached out and took Cas’ hands in his own, staring at their hands unable to meet Cas’ eyes. “How can I make you understand that we want you here with us, Cas?”

Cas scoffed. “You think that, Dean, but you don’t love me the way I love you. I can’t go on feeling so awkward again.”

Dean felt all his hopes wash away. Awkward? What does Cas mean by awkward? Did Cas mean loving Dean was awkward?

Cas continued, ”Angels weren’t built for love Dean, we shouldn’t feel this way. It’s so painful. Being around you since I came back from the Djinn case has been so agonizing. Knowing that you will never look at me that way. I’ll never be more than a brother in arms to you.”

Dean opened his mouth to interrupt but Cas pressed on. “When I first came home from the djinn case, I wanted to be back in that world so badly Dean. So I suppressed my grace and allowed my vessel to sleep. But all I found in sleep were nightmares.”

Dean nodded, and again tried to speak but stopped himself, thinking it was better to not interrupt Cas. 

Cas seemed to be waiting for some sort of interruption. Dean only gave a warm smile. “I’ve got my ears on Cas, keep talkin’.”

Cas looked at their joined hands and took a deep breath. “When Sam mentioned the occult market, I thought maybe I might find something to help. I wasn’t expecting the djinn toxin, but--”

Dean squeezed Cas’ hands hoping to reassure him. “But, you came across it and decided to try it, and the rest is history.”

Cas nodded. “Yes, and at first it was the best I'd had. I was back in that world again, but it only made reality even more unwelcome to me.” Cas looked away ashamed.

Dean sighed. “Cas look at me please.” Once he had Cas’ attention. “For a celestial wavelength, you sure can be dumb.”

Cas’ eyes went wide and he pulled his hands away. “What? Have you not been listening to me?”

Dean smiled at Cas, he had to keep this mood light. “Yeah Cas, I have. And before you snapped at me earlier, I was about to say I love you, dumbass!”

Dean suppressed his grin as he watched so many emotions cross Cas’ face. He gently reached up and put a reassuring hand on the side of Cas’ neck. “If you had spoken to me months ago about what was in your dream world, we probably would have avoided all this shit.”

Cas’ looked scared. No, that’s not the correct emotion Dean thought, Cas should be happy.

Cas started to push away and Dean quickly grabbed his hands. “No, this isn’t real, this is another Djinn dream, I’m asleep somewhere--” Cas stuttered. 

Dean gripped his hands tighter. “Do I have to pinch you again Cas?” Dean smirked and tried to pull Cas back toward him, but Cas was still pulling away.

Dean felt his heart hammer in his chest, Cas looked on the verge of a breakdown and Dean had to stop it. Cas was kicking his feet to push himself up the bed away from Dean. “I can’t lose you again, Dean, it’ll break me, I can’t wake up from this, I need our dream world.”

“Cas, you can have it. I’m right here.”

Cas shook his head.

“Cas!” Dean refused to let go of Cas’ hands, which caused him to get up from his chair and knee walk up the bed to follow Cas. When Cas’ back hit the headboard he crumbled and began to cry. Dean kept hold of his hands but otherwise kept his distance.

“Cas, you have to understand this is real.” Cas just sobbed harder. “I’m confused Cas, are you happy that it’s real, or afraid that it’s not?”

Cas took a moment. “Afraid that I’m going to wake up from it.” He stared at Dean. “Terrified that it is real, and some apocalyptic event is going to take you away from me.” Cas’ voice turned bitter. “And worried that it’s all just words to get me through this detox, and then I’ll be back to “buddy.”

Dean took a long deep breath. He ran his thumbs over the angel cuffs. “En Malpirgi,” Dean whispered “my life”. He felt Cas’ breath leave him, and he looked up to meet Cas’ hopeful eyes. 

“How do you know that phrase, Dean?” 

“You kept saying that in your sleep, Cas, in Enochian, while I was laying with you. At first, I thought you were saying beloved or my love, but Sam tells me those words don’t actually exist in Enochian.” Dean cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I’ve never bothered to learn more of your native tongue, Cas.”

It was Cas’ turn to give Dean’s hands a reassuring squeeze.

“I liked waking up next to you, Cas. I felt special, thinking that you could be having a fitful sleep, and the minute I laid down beside you, you calmed down.” Cas tilted his head, and Dean smiled. “I did that, I brought an angel a little bit of peace. Me. I mean, what am I on your timeline? A speck? How could one human, let alone ME, help you?”

Cas opened his mouth to speak but Dean pressed on. “I know we’ve hurt you Cas, I know we’ve taken advantage, spoke before thinking, I know. We--” Dean shook his head. “No. I. I fly off the handle, I look at the problem and how to fix it right now, and charge forward like a bull.” Dean felt tears coming to his eyes. “I should’ve tried harder to make you understand.”

A few tears fell onto their joined hands. “Cas, when Lucifer stabbed you--” Dean couldn’t speak, his throat closed off. Fuck why did this happen to him? Always when it was most important for him to speak, he went mute.

Cas moved his hands upward to cup Dean’s face as best he could. Dean met his eyes.

They were both crying now. 

“I can’t hear your prayer with the cuffs, Dean.” He held his hands out to Dean. “I won’t leave, I promise.”

Dean removed the cuffs and instantly prayed to the angel sitting an arm's length away. Dean’s eyes were closed, and he hoped that when he opened them Cas would still be there and not making a beeline for the door.

_I need you to read my mind Castiel. I need you to understand._

Dean felt hands on the side of his face and felt a forehead pressed against his.

“Are you certain Dean?” Dean’s throat was so tight it hurt, he opened his mouth but the yes wouldn’t come out so he gave a shaky nod.

Dean opened his eyes and saw Cas’ eyes glow that electric blue, and felt a surge of grace move through him. Everything went black.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this scene with the memory sharing. Italics are typically Cas' thoughts, or experiences, bold are Dean's and regular old text are outside influences i suppose. I don't know, I tried to separate it all best i could but ya know, sharing a mind meld with someone would be confusing anyway! Good luck reading it!

Cas had been in Dean’s mind before, but it never felt like this. Dean wasn’t sure what was happening, but as he let his memories and feelings flow freely outward to Cas, it seemed like Cas was doing the same back to him.

Images of hell flowed through their minds

_Your soul was so bright, at your darkest hour, I was lost to you then. I pieced you back together and fell in love then, although I did not know what it was._

Barn doors flew open and Castiel walked through in a shower of sparks

**I’ve never been so intimidated in my life**

_I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You._

Uriel baiting Dean, “Castiel? You see he has this weakness, he likes you.”

Memory after memory flooded over them and their feelings at each turn flowed 

back and forth to each other like a tide coming in and receding.

_We’re making it up as we go_

**I think I knew then that we were more than friends, I just didn’t know it was love.**

**__** _Hey Assbutt_

***snort* that’s never not funny**

_I’m hunted I rebelled and I did it all of it for you_

I wish I could just strap on my wings but sorry no dice

**Despair and regret flooded to Cas then from Dean**

**__** _I’m sorry my love_

**If you knew how close you came to fulfilling that future Cas---**

What? I like past you

**I watched you die for that version of me Cas? Why would you follow me through all that?**

**__** _You know why Dean, falling for you was far better than staying in Heaven._

Watching Cas explode as Michael vaporized him. 

Only for him to come back after Lucifer and Michael went in the pit.

_I watched you rake leaves_

**I was missing you so much while raking those leaves**

_I always come when you call and I am your friend._

**How could he work with Crowley**

**How could he hurt Sam like that?**

An image of Balthazar, “I think you’re confusing me with the other Angel, 

the one in the dirty trenchcoat who’s in love with you.”

The pizza man

**Why is Meg kissing him?! Wait why is he kissing Meg?**

**__** _Cas’ laugh in his head at Dean’s jealousy._

Dean watching Cas walk into that lake and disappear, 

and the pain he felt as he pulled the trenchcoat from the water.

**Bobby saying You just lost your best friend**

**The shock Dean felt staring into the eyes of a man calling**

**himself Emmanuel but wearing Cas’ face.**

**Cas taking Sam’s pain**

**The regret of leaving Cas there in the mental institution with Meg**

**Relief every time that Meg called them with an update**

**Meg snapping at Dean, Why don’t you ask him he was your boyfriend first**

**I’d rather have you cursed or not**

_Well, I'll go with you._

**Where’s the Angel?!**

**Nice peach fuzz Cas**

Dean, can I kiss you? Somewhere off in the distance of this memory sharing experience 

Dean nodded and felt Castiel’s lips against his.

Cas letting go of Dean’s hand, escaping Purgatory “Go!”

**“I did not leave you!”**

_Hundreds of versions of Dean lay dead and Cas felt nothing_

**Cas I need you**

**__** _I couldn’t kill the real you, our bond broke her hold_

Angels falling, the sky looked like it was on fire

**Where is Cas?**

**Listen, buddy, you can’t stay**

The pain they both feel in this moment is like a spear through both of their hearts 

and they feel it doubly back and forth to each other.

Memory after memory after memory, Cas living on borrowed grace, The Mark of Cain

_Cas’ emotional exhaustion when he thought Dean had died, killed by Metatron_

_His worry over Demon Dean_

_Crowley snarking to Cas about “all in a desperate effort to save your boyfriend”_

**Amara felt my bond to you that’s why I could resist her**

**Lucifer wearing Cas’ face taunting Dean “Cas!”**

**The relief when Lucifer was ripped from Cas**

**__** _Wanting so bad to go with Dean to beat Amara_

_Fearing Dean was dead_

_The feel of arms around him when he realized Dean was alive._

_Dean handing Cas a tape of his favorite Zepp Traxx_

_Cas searching and hunting trying to find Sam and Dean_

_Stabbing Billie to save Mary, Castiel’s resolution and_

**Dean’s worry and anger over Cas’ sacrifice.**

**__** _I love you, I love all of you_

**Cas can’t die like this I haven’t told him I love him too, no, no nonono**

**Dean telling Crowley “you saved Cas” and a snarky**

**remark about saving himself the man pain.**

Dean staring into a mirror

"My name is Dean Winchester. Sam is my brother. Mary Winchester is my mom. And Cas is my best friend." 

Repeated over and over. Each time Dean remembered a little less.

_I couldn't sense you when you forgot me,_

_it was like a gap where you should've been._

_The relief and guilt when Dean wouldn’t let Cas_

_give him the tape back. “It’s a gift, you keep those”_

**The betrayal when Cas left with Kelly**

**Watching the rift open and Cas appearing**

**followed by an angel blade through his chest.**

**The heart-wrenching pain, that left him unable to**

**speak when Castiel’s light and life left him, and**

**hating the scorched wings on the ground.**

**Not being able to look at Jack without thinking of Cas.**

**Lashing out at Jack, Sam and drowning his pain in anything he could find.**

_Cas waking up in the Empty, talking to a copy of himself_

_“Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory than a_

_constant festering disappointment” and_

_“there’s nothing for you back there”_

_“I know what you hate, I know who you love, what you fear”_

**Wow that guy was a dick!**

**Dean’s heart broke for Cas.**

**Stabbing himself with a needle to kill himself**

**__** _Oh Dean, no, promise me that will never happen again._

**I talked to Billie, the new Death,**

**I could’ve asked for you back but**

**I asked for the souls to be released instead.**

**I just needed a win.**

_Cas talking to himself in the Empty again_

_“I will stay awake, and I will keep you_

_awake until we both go insane. I will fight you._

_Fight you and fight you forever. For eternity. Release Me._

**Dean felt a giddy kind of joy at seeing that memory and he felt that it made Cas**

**proud that Dean was proud of him for annoying his way back from death.**

**Dean’s phone ringing while driving home,**

**and hearing, “Hello Dean,”**

**when he thought he would never hear it again.**

They fed each other the joy, relief and love they felt when they embraced once again… and the regret when neither could make the move past friendship yet again.

A new image formed in Dean’s mind. Castiel and Dean in bed together, kissing, making love, so very slowly, without a care and unhurried, silver wedding rings glinted on their fingers. Smiles, laughter, passion, pleasure. The emotion seeping from Cas to Dean took Dean’s breath away. He knew that in the real world right now, they were both crying.

**Cas what is this?**

**__** _My djinn world Dean, you deserve see it_

There was a bedroom in the bunker that was clearly a shared room between them if the decor was any indication. There were family meals, nights asleep in front of the tv. Leaving for hunts. Fighting monsters side by side like they knew each others next move. Game nights with Jack and Sam. Coming home from hunts. Everyone’s initials on the table. Morning coffee, lazy cuddles, intimate touches without hesitation. 

Always Cas was included, always I love you fell from Dean’s lips.

When Dean was remotely aware of coming back to this Earthly plain, his lips were still on Cas’ in a desperate kiss. They were both sobbing a combination of happy and sad tears, relief and pain, so much emotion. Cas seemed to snap back to reality as well. Dean felt his hands slide from his face, the grace leave him but the grip on his shirt pulling him closer.

Dean pulled away, breathing hard he opened his eyes to look at Cas. “Cas, what the hell was that?”

Cas’ eyes still had a faint glow to them, and as Cas spoke Dean could hear it inside his head as well. “Doors open both ways, Dean. I chose to let my memories in when you opened the door.”

Dean felt like the weight of the world was removed his shoulders, he didn’t have much time to enjoy that feeling before Cas was pulling him back into a kiss again. Over ten years of emotions pouring out into this kiss. Dean was shaking so much, and smiling. Cas laughed, Dean laughed, they were crying, but for once it seemed like relief, instead of pain. Dean felt Cas’ hands roam lower reaching for the button on Dean’s jeans, and as much as Dean would have loved that, he had to back away.

“Wait, Cas, hold up--” Dean made sure to keep as much reassuring physical contact with Cas as he could without increasing the lust in Cas’ eyes.

“Cas, I just need to clear something up.” Cas’ hands loosened their grip, and Dean took one in his. He nodded for Dean to continue. “This, between us, this is REAL, you know that?”

Cas gave a dreamy smile. “Yes, Dean.”

Dean was paying a lot of attention to Cas’ hand. “And the djinn toxin, using the djinn toxin, needs to stop.” Cas’ hand in Dean’s went limp, causing Dean to look up at Cas.

Cas’ eyes were hard. “Fuck” Dean whispered. “So, do you still think you need the toxin even though I’m right here, in front of you, you just took a walk through my head, and you still think you need a dream world?”

Cas’ voice sounded dazed. “I’m still not sure that this is real.” He gave Dean a gummy smile so reminiscent of Cas from Zachariah’s future, that Dean thought he might throw up.

Dean stood up. “Fine, we’re staying here in this motel, until you sweat out the toxin or whatever, until every trace of it is gone, and you have no other choice but to believe that this real.” Dean felt Cas’ hands come up to grab his arm and try to pull Dean back down. “Cas, no.” Dean sat at Cas’ feet. “Look, think back to your previous experiences with sex.”

Cas sobered a bit. “What of them?” 

“Well,” Dean began. “Meg was, well she didn’t ask permission before she kissed you.” Cas’ face was stone, Dean coughed. “I know, you kissed her too, and you were friends or maybe could’ve been more, but--” Dean fumbled, “my point is she didn’t ask, okay?” 

Cas’ eyebrows shot up, the sassy shithead, so Dean continued, “and the reaper, well, April? She tricked you into having sex with her, whether you consented or not, it wasn’t really her you were sleeping with. That wasn’t fair to you or the girl she was possessing.”

Cas looked away ashamed.

“No Cas, I don’t want you to feel bad, I just, I want us to be different. When I woke up with you kissing my neck, man if you were conscious and didn’t think I was dream me, there’s no way I would’ve turned you down.”

Cas beamed, started crawling toward Dean. He pressed against Dean’s chest attempting to lay him back. He got a chaste kiss in before Dean pulled himself out from under Cas.

He was an angel, he could’ve easily kept Dean in place, but when Dean pulled away, he let him go. 

“No uh-uh, full on sexy times strike, right here, no kissing, no cuddling, nothing until I know you’re completely out of that dreamworld, and want the real-life me and not my little Djinn doppelganger.” He had to stifle a snort laugh when Cas honest to Chuck pouted at Dean’s ultimatum.

Dean picked up the angel cuffs. “Do I need to put these back on you?”

Cas smiled again and cocked an eyebrow. He pointed behind him to the headboard. “Only if we’re going to--”

Dean stopped him. “Okay no cuffs, don’t even finish that sentence, you kinky bastard.” 

Cas nodded matter of factly. “Later, then.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile back when Cas’ smile got a tad more sly, when Dean blushed at the implications. Dean grabbed the laptop. “Pick a movie, Cas.” Dean pulled up Netflix and grabbed his phone to text Sam while Cas scrolled through the selections to watch.


	11. Chapter 11

**Dean**

**6:19 pm**

**__** _Hey Sammy, you might as well take Cas’ car back to the bunker._

_We’ll head home after Cas is evened out._

**Sam**

**6:22 pm**

_I’m already on the way. So did you pour your heart out to Cas?_

**Dean**

**6:23 pm**

_Something like that. He doesn’t believe I’m serious though._

**Sam**

**6:27 pm**

_Why don’t you two take a mini vacation?_

_Jack and I got the bunker covered, we can work on his training some more._

_Ship cases out to the AU hunters._

_Make sure Cas is 100% before heading back,_

_Jack deserves better than his hot and cold behavior._

**Dean**

**6:29 pm**

_Maybe you’re right_

**Sam**

**6:30 pm**

_Besides it’ll give me time scan the bunker for any djinn toxin hidden._

**Dean**

**6:32 pm**

_check the vent in Cas’ room, he’s twitchy about it._

**Sam**

**6:33 pm __**

_k, get back to Cas before he disappears on you._

_Keep me posted._

**Dean**

**6:35 pm**

_I will, let me know when you’re home and how the kid’s doing._

Dean and Cas spent the rest of that evening watching Marvel movies on Netflix, Dean felt himself doze off and startled awake afraid that Cas would’ve left, but Cas was right there beside him. 

Cas looked over with a knowing smile. “You thought I was going to leave?” 

Dean sat up straighter. “No offense, Cas, but yeah.”

Cas only nodded. “Should we watch another, or are you ready for bed?” 

Dean shook his head. “How do I know you won't leave while I’m asleep?”

Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand. “I’m trusting you that this is real, can you trust me to not ruin that chance?”

Dean nodded. “You don’t have any djinn toxin stashed anywhere that you’re going to use when I’m asleep?”

Cas gave Dean a stern look. “No. Your bother frisked me before we left the parking lot.”

Dean laid down beside Cas and spread his arms open. Cas gave him that eyebrow again.

“What happened to no kissing no cuddling no blah blah?” Cas said skeptically.

Dean grinned. “You sleep better when I’m here, so I’ll make an exception. Maybe real me can keep the nightmares away.” Cas rolled his eyes and laid down in Dean’s arms.

***************

Morning came gently the first night. They both seemed well rested. They shared breakfast and took a chance walking the city surrounding their motel. Sam and Jack both checked in with Dean, reminding Dean that Cas needed a new phone.

The second night was more difficult. Cas woke several times frightened, and refused to go back to sleep. Dean tried his hardest to stay awake with him, but couldn’t. When Dean fell asleep though, he was wrapped tight in Cas’ arms, and when he woke up in the morning, Cas was still there holding him. They decided to go out for the day. They did some shopping for clothes for Cas mostly, since most of his stuff was back at the bunker, as well as basic toiletries and a new phone for him.

Later that night while Dean was channel surfing the motel’s limited channels, he glanced over to see Cas smiling down at his phone.

“What’s gotcha so happy, Cas?”

The light didn’t leave Cas’ eyes as he turned his phone to Dean. It was a photo text from Jack of Sam and Jack in the kitchen at the bunker, both covered in flour. 

**Jack**

**7:27 PM**

**__** _Sam’s teaching me how to bake bread!_

Dean felt the look of horror on his face before the words left his mouth. “Sam’s never baked anything in his life!”

**Dean**

**7:32 PM**

**__** _Please don’t burn the bunker down Sammy_

**Sam**

**7:45 PM**

**__** _Dean honestly, I’m not as helpless as you like to think I am._

_I can follow a cookbook. Just focus on Cas and leave us alone._

Dean and Cas both received a text about two hours later with a photo of a clean kitchen and Jack eating fresh from the oven buttered bread, with such a look of delight on his face that it made Dean’s heart swell.

Dean looked over at Cas. “Ya know, I forget that technically the kid is only like two years old. There’s so many things he’s discovering for the first time.”

Dean noticed a touch of sorrow settle in Cas’ eyes.

“Yes, I’m afraid I haven’t been there for him as much as I should be lately.” Cas dimmed his phone screen and set it aside. Dean reached over and covered Cas’ hand with his own. He heard Cas’ head thump against the headboard.

“We’ll make up for that time, once you’re good, and we’re back home.” Dean moved his head slightly toward Cas and nosed at Cas’ nose with his own. Then did it again and again, until Cas began to smile. Then he leaned in for a gentle peck on lips. Cas didn’t press for more and neither did Dean. They leaned against each other and surfed TV until Dean started to doze off.

Over the next almost two weeks, Dean felt lighter than he had in ages. He and Cas would spend the days exploring New Orleans, and Cas would spin tales about the area, the lore, the history, and Dean found that he didn’t hate the city as much as he thought he did. 

Once or twice they took in the nightlife of the city as well. One particularly dull day, they took part in a supposedly haunted tour of the city and got themselves kicked out of it, for calling out how full of shit the tour guide was, and if everyone really wanted to know what was haunted in this city Dean could point them in the right direction. 

Another day they walked swamps looking for Rugaroo just for the hell of it, though they didn’t find any. One day a sidewalk evangelist was spouting hateful malarkey in the name of God, and Cas challenged him right then and there in the middle of at least 100 people. Corrected him on every falsehood he spouted before finally having enough and closed in inches from the man and let his grace show. The man took off running and Dean wasn’t ashamed to admit he was turned on by all-powerful Cas. Cas, however, ranted and cursed in Enochian and English the entire walk back to their hotel. When they got back to their room Cas backed him against the bathroom door for a kiss that made Dean’s knees weak.

Nights were spent wrapped up in each other, but never went farther than some chaste kisses. Some nights were peaceful sleep, others Cas would wake from nightmares, or couldn’t fall asleep to begin with and would fidget. Or on rare nights Dean would wake from nightmares to find Cas brushing fingers through his hair, and with a touch of grace and Dean was back to sleep. He wished he could do that for Cas.

***************

It was almost 4am when Dean woke with a jolt to an empty bed. His heart instantly fell, the past two weeks he’d never woken up alone. Where was Cas? He jumped out of bed and checked the bathroom, no Cas. He grabbed his keys and walked outside. He was shocked when he saw Cas sitting on the roof of the Impala staring skyward at endless stars.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to walk slowly over to Cas. Before he reached him he heard him. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas.” Dean leaned on the car and stared up at Cas. “What brings you out here in the middle of the night?”

“I could not sleep.” Dean didn’t comment. “It seems without using the toxin these past two weeks, my body is re-adjusting to my angelic nature. I can not sleep without repressing my grace.” 

Dean reached up and traced his finger across Castiel’s thigh. “Why didn’t you stay and watch me sleep like creeper?” Cas just stared down at him and Dean grinned back.

“If you must know, I was finding it difficult to act appropriately while laying next to you.” 

Dean paused his movements and let that sentence sink in. “Cas, are you saying you’re horny and couldn’t sleep?”

“If you must put it so brashly, yes, that’s precisely what I am saying.”

Dean chuckled and traced his finger further up Cas’ inner thigh and felt him shudder.

Cas closed his eyes. “That’s not fair, Dean. You’re the one who said no sex until you knew I wanted the real you. I came out here to respect your decision.”

Dean felt like he couldn’t love Cas more. He took Castiel’s hand. 

“C’mere Angel.” He pulled gently and Cas smiled at the pet name and he hopped down off the roof. “We’ve been here over two weeks, how would you feel if we packed up and made our way home, slowly? We can make a proper road trip out of it. Stop and see whatever sights you want to see, a good distraction from all of this,” Dean motioned up and down his body.

Cas rolled his eyes. “So modest,” but he nodded. “That sounds wonderful, Dean.”

Dean showered while Cas packed their stuff. Dean had to admit that resisting Cas had not been easy. Other than cuddling and a few chaste kisses, when Cas needed reassurance that this was really happening, they kept it G rated. He would love to give in, hide away for days just having sex with Cas. He wondered how long Cas could go in bed, considering the Angel stamina, and how he could probably manhandle Dean in all the right ways. The thought of that had Dean getting off solo in the shower before he got out to dry off. 

They would not have made it out of the motel room if he hadn’t.

He opened the bathroom door and ran smack into Cas, who backed him up against the bathroom sink before he could realize what happened. Cas was kissing him, desperately with one hand pulling Dean’s head toward him. He didn’t ask permission, it was almost like he needed Dean like a liferaft. He felt Cas’ arms come around his waist in a crushing hug as he eased the kiss, then ended it and buried his face against Dean’s neck. Dean slid his arms up and around Cas’ neck and threaded his fingers into Cas’ hair. When Cas pulled back just enough to speak, his voice was rough.

“I apologize, I needed a reminder that you were here, that I am allowed to have this life.” Cas pulled back and Dean noticed that his eyes were rimmed red, like he had been crying. Cas pulled his arms from around Dean, his hands still in fists. With one hand he grabbed Dean’s hand and with the other, he deposited something into Dean’s hand. 

“I found this while packing, you can have it,” Cas said. “I don’t want the temptation.”

Cas turned and walked away he called over his shoulder. “I’ll take the bags to the car while you get dressed.” Dean opened his hand, and in it was the next market medallion. Dean sighed with relief. This was progress.

**Dean**

**5:49 AM**

**__** _Cas gave me the medallion for the next market. Said he doesn’t want the temptation._

**Sam**

**5:54 AM**

**__** _Good. You don’t want to know how many vials of that stuff I found._

**Dean**

**6:03 AM**

**__** _I really do, but I’ll call you later, Cas and I are getting ready to hit the road._

**Sam**

**6:07 AM**

**__** _Coming home?_

**Dean**

**6:09 AM**

**__** _Slowly. Long road trip home. If you and Jack are still good, I think Cas needs more time._

_I think we both do. I’m not ready for my little brother to start teasing me about the first relationship I’ve had in forever._

**Sam**

**6:14 AM**

**__** _You know I support you Dean, and I’m very happy for you and Cas._

_Take however much time you need._

_But I do intend to be a complete shithead little brother as soon as you guys_

_get home and get all schmoopie around us._

**Dean**

**6:15 AM**

**__** _I don’t do schmoopie asshat!_

**Sam**

**6:19 AM**

**__** _Keep tellin’ yourself that_

_Gotta go, Jack and I are heading out on a salt and burn. I’ll keep you updated._

Dean dressed quickly and checked out at the front office. When he walked to the Impala, Cas was standing against the driver side door. He looked much more composed than thirty minutes earlier in the bathroom.

“Cas?” Dean spread his arms wide in a questioning gesture.

Cas held his hand out and Dean took it. “Do you know the difference between a thought and a prayer, Dean?”

Dean felt something was off. “Uhm, I suppose I don’t.”

Cas smirked and yanked Dean against him. It only took the tiniest bit of his angelic strength to hold Dean where he was and whisper in his ear. “A name is the difference, Dean.”

Oh shit, Dean thought. Cas turned them slowly and pinned Dean against the Impala. He moved in close to whisper in Dean’s ear again.

“You said my name like a prayer when you came in the shower earlier.” Cas kissed Dean under his ear and then returned to whisper some more. “I saw all your fantasies.” Cas nibbled on Dean’s earlobe. “Can I kiss you, Dean?”

“Now you want to ask permis---” Dean was cut off by Cas’ lips and Dean smiled into the kiss.

What he didn’t plan on, however, was Cas grinding against him, Dean quickly found himself becoming hard again. Cas trailed kisses down Dean’s neck, and bit just hard enough where his shoulder met his neck to make Dean see stars. Then? Then Cas was gone. Dean opened his eyes to see Cas walking around the car to the passenger side.

Dean was trying to catch his breath, get his bearings, he whirled around. “What the fuck Cas?”

Cas looked quite smug looking at Dean over the roof of the Impala. “That’s for coming without me, Dean. If I’m suffering through this “sex strike” of yours, you’re suffering too,” Cas smiled. The asshole smiled, and then opened the door and got in the car.

Dean painfully readjusted himself and climbed into the driver’s side. It was going to be a long ride to their next destination.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Whew. Comments make me happy, kudos also makes me happy. Let me know what you thought of this story and my first venturing into a canon big ol' chapter fic.
> 
> Here there be smut....but not until the timestamp next in the series lol. A dear friend of mine, Navajolovesdestiel agreed to write the smut that I cannot write, and he does a much better job than I could write myself. So if you want to read Dean and Cas' first time in this story, subscribe so you don't miss it. It will have an Explicit rating and different tags, naturally!

They drove a different direction each day and stopped where ever was convenient to sleep. Cas told Dean he didn’t really have a specific destination in mind, after all, Cas had seen everything in his lifetime. This dampened Dean’s spirits but still, when something caught his eye, or caught Cas’ eye they would stop. 

Given that it was October they stayed toward the south for most of their road trip. A sprawling garden one day, an apiary another day, an “authentic” old western town a few days later, and a 1950s themed diner. There were small stops at quaint shops, and tourist sites, a theatre showing classic movies one day and a different theatre showing old black and white horror movies a different day. 

Dean was obsessed with capturing it all, and got selfies of him and Cas whenever possible. During all of these activities, Cas’ hand barely left Dean’s, or their shoulders touched, or their legs were against each other while sitting, like he was afraid Dean would disappear if they weren’t touching. The gentle pecks of lips, and whispered affections came so easily, that Dean was beginning to wonder if he hadn’t in fact fallen into a Djinn world. Things were too easy, and too perfect and he was waiting for something to go wrong.

Almost every night they stayed somewhere different.

After a particularly boring day, Dean was amped up and couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned but found that Cas was asleep. He laid there studying the profile of Cas. His lashes falling against his face, those sharp cheekbones, jaw, the little dip in his chin. How his soft looking lips and hair contrasted with the hardness of his nose, jaw and cheekbones. Without realizing what he was doing, Dean lightly traced a finger over Cas’ nose and lips. In awe, he whispered, “I am so in love with you, Cas, I can’t believe I’m allowed to have this.” Other than the first day he said it, they hadn’t repeated I love you. It felt brand new. He sighed and whispered to himself. “Aw fuck I am getting schmoopie--”

He almost jumped off the bed when Cas replied. “Yes you are, and I can feel you watching me, Dean.” Cas gave the faintest grin and cracked his eyes open. “I wasn’t asleep, only in meditation.”

Dean’s reaction must’ve have been amusing because Cas smiled fully. “And I love you, too.” 

He leaned in and waited for Dean to meet him in a kiss. Dean quickly found himself straddling Cas and the kiss became heated. Cas traced his hands down Dean’s arms and entwined their fingers bringing their arms upward and holding them there. Dean ground his hips down as he felt Cas lift his, causing them both to growl low in their throats, Cas’ grip tightened Dean’s hands.

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

Dean broke the kiss, panting, and glared at his phone. Cas rolled his hips up toward Dean again.

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

“If you answer that I will smite you.” Cas panted. Before he could say more his own phone blared from the nightstand. Cas threw his head back and groaned, “what does the universe have against my happiness?” Dean laughed, then both of their phones began to ring.

Dean didn’t leave his perch on Cas but leaned over and picked up his phone, as Cas reached over and picked up his.

“It’s Sammy,” Dean said.

“It’s Jack,” said Cas at the same time and they both answered.

“Really bad timing Sammy!” Dean spat out, he heard Cas mumble out a, “Hello Jack. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, that’s a very cool idea, Sam, thanks for bringing it up.” 

Dean smiled and looked at Cas who seemed very confused. He heard Cas say, “Green, I suppose,” the same time Dean said, “Blue, why?” 

Dean began to climb off of Cas but felt strong hands on his thighs and looked down at Cas who cocked an eyebrow and shook his head no at Dean. Dean climbed off him anyway, stuck his tongue out and went outside the motel room door to finish his call.

“Sammy seriously, this call couldn’t have waited?” 

“Uh, sorry, Dean, but Jack and I are at the store now and we wanted to make sure you were okay with this surprise for Cas.” 

“What the fuck are you doing at the store after midnight?” Dean asked.

“Well, Jack was around when I was searching for more toxin, and he saw me locking what was left away in a puzzle box. I found 40 empty vials, and 6 more with traces of toxin still in them. Cas was using a lot of the stuff. Anyway, Jack had a lot of questions, and then we drove it all out to one of our storage facilities.” Sam rambled. “I want to keep it because you never know what it could be used for, but Jack just kept asking question after question, so I finally told him the entire story about Cas and what’s been going on with him.”

Dean smiled even though he was annoyed and Sam continued. “On the way back, Jack came up with this idea, and we stopped at WalMart, and here we are.”

Dean only sighed. ”Okay, what else do you need to know?”

***************

Almost fifteen minutes later, Dean walked back into the room, and Cas was just hanging up with Jack. They both looked at their phones and then each other.

“Subtlety is not Jack’s strong suit,” Cas smiled, “I pretended I didn’t know that any of the questions he asked me were for a surprise for me. Cas grinned at the floor. “Or rather, for Us.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, those two are definitely up to something.”

An uncomfortable weight fell over them. Cas stood and Dean watched as the tension seeped back into his friend, boyfriend? What were they now?

“I suppose it is time for you to sleep,” Cas said. “Where are we off to in the morning?”

Dean smiled, he had his own surprise. “A cabin, about 6 hours away, just us surrounded by trees, a river, too cold to do much but sit inside in front of a fire.” Dean watched Cas’ hand twitch at his side. 

“It’s been over a month, Dean,” Cas whispered, not looking at him. “Over a month since I’ve used the toxin, and I’ll admit I’m not handling it as well internally as I may seem to be outwardly.” Dean stood and walked just close enough to take Cas’ hand. “I don’t need to sleep now, but I still feel like I’m going to wake up at any point, I keep waiting for it all to be taken away.” Dean led Cas to the bed.

“Lay down, Angel, on your belly.” Cas obeyed. “Keep talking, get it all out, just say whatever comes into that beautiful head of yours.” Dean straddled Cas again, only this time with no intentions other than giving Cas a massage. He started with his scalp, and as Cas talked Dean’s hands worked magic down his neck, his shoulders and arms, down his back and back up between his shoulder blades and Cas let out a filthy groan.

“Do that again, Dean.”

“Hey, this is relaxing massage, babe, not one of those other kinds of massages,” Dean snickered.

“That’s where my wings are you frustrating human--” Cas rasped out Dean leaned in close and whispered.

“I figured that much out, Einstein,” and he dug his thumbs into the same spots, making Cas moan again. “But this isn’t a sexy massage, I honestly want you to relax.”

Cas took a deep breath and exhaled. “Why can’t it be both?”

Dean just grinned and continued his work. He made sure to cover every inch of Cas, head to toe until the angel was a mumbling puddle and drifted off into meditation or sleep whatever it was, it was peaceful. Dean cuddled up behind Cas and fell asleep pressing kisses to the spot on his back where he figured Cas’ wings attached.

***************

When morning came they packed up the car, and headed out with little to no conversation. Dean worried that something was wrong. They stopped for lunch and while waiting for their food, Dean studied Cas. It appeared to be a Mr. Hyde day.

As Dean finished his fries and Cas drank his coffee Dean decided to try some conversation.

“Uhm, we need to stop for supplies for the cabin, I mean it has all the amenities, stocked with firewood and stuff according to what the park rep. told me. There’s a kitchen, plumbing, all that, but we need to grab food, and we have to bring our own bedding and toiletries stuff like that.”

Cas only nodded.

“You okay Cas?” Cas looked at him, unsure, like he was trying to remember something.

“Last night, that--that happened right?” Cas said like he was afraid of the answer.

Dean swallowed. “What? I gave you the best massage ever and you fell asleep before I could ask to see your wings, and you call me frustrating?” Dean was only half joking, he did want to see Cas’ wings but he wasn’t mad about it.

Cas’ jaw went slack and then he smiled. “It did happen.”

Dean reached across the table and danced his finger over Cas’ hand. “That’s what’s been bothering you today? Yes, it all happened. Dude just ask next time, instead of spending the time brooding.”

Cas bashfully reached over and took one of Dean’s fries and nibbled on it Dean couldn’t keep the grin from his face.

As they were driving, Dean could see Cas glued to his phone, and his phone kept pinging with messages.

“Why is Jack asking me for selfies of the two of us?” Cas mumbled.

“Uh… I'm not sure (Dean was sure, but it was a surprise), maybe he was just excited to have pics on his phone of his two dads together now that we’re…” he waved between us, “what are we, Cas?”

Dean knew he didn’t say the right words, he didn’t mean it how it sounded. He saw Cas stiffen and he hurried to pull his foot from his mouth. 

“I’m only asking because, I mean, I want us to be, not to sound like teenager, but boyfriends, Cas.”

Cas said nothing so Dean rambled on. “You know, exclusive, just us, uhm. Like committed, profound bond and all that shit, type boyfriends, if you--” Dean’s heart was racing, why wasn’t Cas answering?

“Pull over Dean. Now.”

Dean jerked the wheel of the car over faster than he intended and mentally apologized to Baby for mishandling her.

“Look Cas, I’m sorry I know we didn’t really discuss--”

“Dean? Stop talking.” Dean shut his mouth with a snap and took a breath to force his mind and heart to slow down. He didn’t realize he had shut his eyes until he felt a hand on his upper arm, perfectly covering where he once had a scar of that very same hand. He opened his eyes to find Cas carefully, deliberately leaning in to kiss him.

“I only asked you to pull over so that I could do this.” He slowly kissed Dean, like he was memorizing every atom of Dean’s lips. His grip on Dean’s shoulder tightened lightly, and he deepened the kiss but it was still slow, sensual, and doing more for Dean’s dick than porn ever did.

Cas pulled away and whispered, “A profound bond more than boyfriends, exclusive relationship sounds perfect, En Malpirgi.” Cas moved back to his side of the car. Dean swallowed a painful moan and readjusted himself again. Pulled back onto the road and Cas went back to his phone.

***************

They spent an unnerving amount of time picking groceries, toiletries and bedding for the cabin. Dean was planning a 2-week stay and didn’t want to have to leave once they were there, so they checked and triple checked their cart before leaving. While loading everything into the trunk, Dean said they forgot toothpaste and he ran back inside to get that while Cas finished loading the rest. 

Dean actually wanted to get other supplies, lube being one of those items, and intentionally forgot toothpaste so he would have an excuse to run back in. He was more nervous than he would care to admit about crossing this line with Cas, but he wanted their first time to be planned, to take their time, to not be around home where they may have to be quiet, he wanted them to be unabashedly themselves. He’s taken weeks to plan this in his head, he needed it all to go right. He awkwardly told Sam about his plan the night before when Sam called from the store. Much to Sam’s amusement, he had assumed sex had been happening since he left the motel room weeks ago.

They pulled up to the cabin at nightfall and unloaded all the bags. The cabin was a decent size, rustic, what you would expect from a log cabin. Basic kitchen amenities, a small dining table sat in front of a window looking out toward the river. The floor plan was open, the rest of the space was what would be considered a living room, a couch, a comfy chair, and what looked like a version of an ottoman sat around a low coffee table, and a fireplace. A dusty bookshelf was loaded with a variety of books and well worn board games. Beside that shelf was a tiny hall that had one door on each side of it. There was one door that opened to a bedroom, and across from that, the bathroom, which Dean was glad had a shower.

**Dean**

**7:17 PM**

**__** _Okay Sammy, Cas and I are at the cabin._

_Unless someone is dying I don’t want a single phone call_

_Or text to either of us, until I let you know we’re coming home._

_I’m shutting our phones off, I’ll leave my spare on,_

_call me there if it’s life or death._

Dean sent that text and shut his phone off, then traded a bag to Cas for Cas’ phone. “Take those to the bedroom will ya? Sam knows where we are and that my spare cell is on, our primary phones are being shut off, we’re shutting out the world for awhile.” Cas gave him a blinding smile and walked toward the bedroom with the bags.

Dean put away the groceries and started a fire, before he realized that Cas had been in the bedroom a long time. He grabbed their duffle bag went into the bedroom to see Cas sitting on a freshly made bed, staring at something in his hand.

“Cas?” he sat the duffle down slowly, he saw Cas was holding the lube.

“The color caught my eye, I thought it was djinn toxin.” Oh fuck, Dean didn’t think the about the color of the bottle when he purchased it, but seeing it from Cas’ point of view he saw the similarities. The color of the bottle was a djinn blue and the shape was the same.

Dean chalked it up to a Dean Winchester fuck up, but before Dean could berate himself further, Cas stood. 

“Does this mean what I hope it does?” Cas stepped toward Dean.

“Well,” Dean shuffled nervously, “I mean, I haven’t asked if you were on board with the idea yet, but I’ve kind of been planning our first time in my head for weeks and---yeah, if you’re ready to cross that line, I’m for it----OMPH.”

It turned out an angel with a decade of unresolved sexual tension can knock the wind out of a guy when he was finally given the go ahead. Dean’s back hit the wall, and he laughed and tried to catch his breath, as Cas kissed him. Thankfully Cas realized he was suffocating his boyfriend and turned his attention to Dean’s neck while Dean got his bearings.

Dean chuckled again. “Cas, we can take our time, no one is interrupting us here.” Cas only growled in response and captured Dean’s lips in his again.

***************

****Timestamp of their first time written by @navajolovesdestiel will be added for all the readers who want to read the smut that I can’t write :) ****

The next two weeks were spent in a blissful haze of warm fire, very good sex, mind blowing sex, good food and nature. When Dean could pry Cas off him, mostly because Dean’s body needed the break, they would go outside, walk along the river, leisurely stroll the hiking trails. Cas would tell Dean what plants and trees were what and how long they had been there. They even broke out the board games when the weather was too rainy. Mostly they were in various states of undress and learning every inch of each other, and every delicious sound they could pull from the other. 

When they turned their phones back on, packed up and headed home, it was with happily sated minds, bodies and hearts. The conversation flowed easy on the drive home. Cas talked of everything he wanted to do with Jack when they had time. When they pulled into the bunker garage, Dean fired off a quick, “we’re home” text to Sam and Jack, Cas sat and stared, he turned to Dean and whispered.

“It’s real, isn’t it?”

Dean smiled, kissed the back of Cas’ hand and quickly recounted the last two weeks to Cas.

“It’s real if the pain in my ass is any indication.” He threw his head back and laughed, and got out of the car.

“Do you have to be so crude?” Cas asked exasperated. Dean only winked.

“C’mon, Angel, Sam and Jack have a surprise for us.” He took Cas’ hand.

Sam and Jack stood grinning ear to ear in front of the library table. Jack had a pocket knife in his hand. He was practically vibrating with excitement and Dean had trouble controlling the smile wanting to escape him.

“Here, Cas! Sam just let me and now it’s your turn!” Dean watched Cas carefully as he took in the scene. The initials in the library table had expanded to include J.K.W. Jack considered himself a Winchester it seemed. Dean watched Cas trace all the initial and then begin to carve his own. _Cas_ was left there when he was done, not Castiel, not his angel name, but Cas, the name Dean had given him. 

Dean coughed. “Aren’t you forgetting a letter?” Cas turned already watery eyes toward Dean. Dean took the knife. “Ya know, if you wanted to, you could add a W. there.” Cas grinned and took the knife back and scratched a W. beside his name. _Cas W._

Sam patted Cas on the back, and Dean smiled at seeing his brother and his boyfriend hug. His face froze in that smile when Sam piped up, “I think you just got married, man! Congrats, guys.”

Dean and Cas turned shocked looks at each other, but Dean then shrugged and nodded, as if that was the only logical course for this relationship to take. Cas bowed his head in an attempt to hide a dopey grin.

Jack piped up happily oblivious to any hesitation between Dean and Cas. “Come on! There’s more! And Jack took Cas’ hand and pulled. Dean already knew what this surprise was, so he hung back and gave Sam a pat on the back, a hug and followed them to his room. 

It was now THEIR room. When Dean walked in, silent tears were falling down Cas’ face as he took in his few belongings mixed so perfectly with Dean’s, his Angel Blade on the wall with Dean’s weapons, his dresser beside Dean’s dresser, a second nightstand. On the nightstands and dressers were framed photos, selfies of Dean and Cas from their trip, pictures of them with Sam, Jack, Claire, old photos of Dean and Mary, Dean and Sam, Bobby, John and Mary, and so many more. 

New low bookshelves were beside Dean’s record player, a standing wardrobe on the wall behind the door, new bedding in both green and blue, new pillows, the second desk pushed into the one corner left in the room. It was cramped, but everything screamed of a brand new combined life that they were embarking on.

Dean heard Sam whisper to Jack about giving them privacy.

Dean stopped Jack on the way out. “You did amazing kid, this is fantastic, thank you.”

Dean walked up behind Cas and wrapped his arms around him. He heard Cas choke out, “Is it real?”

Dean whispered back. “It’s real, Cas, you’re dreaming with your eyes wide open now.”

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated.
> 
> My Tumblr for art can be found [ here](https://dmsilvisart.tumblr.com/)
> 
> My Tumblr for writing is [ here](https://dmsilviswrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also please visit [bihuntersandgayangels](https://bihuntersandgayangels.tumblr.com/) and yell your love at them for the beautiful artwork!


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